We already know that all self-respecting adults should use toilet paper, but since respect isn’t enough to stop the adult babies from choosing to wipe their ass on “pre-moistened” and “flushable” wipes, maybe this will: according to a report in The Washington Post, wipes are responsible for a 35 percent jump in jammed pumps and clogged pipes in the Washington area over the last few years.

Adult wipers have also cost the Washington Suburban Sanitary Commission more than $1 million dollars because they’ve had to “install heavy-duty grinders to shred wipes and other debris before they reach pumps on the way to the treatment plant.” On top of this, officials in the District’s water and sewer agency have spent over 500 hundred man-hours in the last year “removing stuck wipes.” And this summer, after hearing complaints that toilets wouldn’t flush in London, a 15-ton “glob of wipes and hardened cooking grease the size of a bus” was discovered in a sewer pipe.

35 percent. $1 million dollars. 500 hours. 15 tons. You know what number is a lot less scary than all of these fucking numbers? Two. The number two—and using dry paper to wipe it—is a lot less scary.

But with “flushable” wipes making up 14 percent of the $4 billion “pre-moistened” wipe market, and with sales predicted to grow annually by 6 percent for the next five years, the Federal Trade Commission is now leading an investigation into the “flushable” label. Want to know what some guy at the FTC is doing today? Oh, he’s currently calling around and asking for data from wipe manufacturers and the wastewater industry because you just can’t get over yourself and wipe like a fucking grown up.

[Image via Shutterstock]