Marrying an investment banker is definitely a great thing. You get tons of money, for one, and you always get to see your husband. Also, he definitely isn't an insane and horrible human being who recklessly ravages his mind and body with drugs and alcohol to the point that he urinates and defecates all over your million-dollar homes.

Here is just one example that proves my point.

Christina Di Mauro Kelly is the ex-wife of Sage Kelly, the global head of health care investment banking at Jeffries—as you can tell by his title, he makes a lot of money for very good and useful reasons. Christina is suing Sage as part of their divorce. These are some of the things she alleges in her suit, which will soon be optioned for the screenplay to Wall Street 3: Money Never Sleeps Even If You Shit in Your Bed:

He shit in his bed

Haha, let's just get this one out of the way first. According to Christina, Sage had... a bit of a problem when he would come home drunk and/or high. Via the Daily News:

High-flying hubby Sage Kelly, after drug and alcohol binges, urinated and defecated in the bed and on the floor at the couple's homes on Park Ave. and in Sag Harbor, L.I., estranged spouse Christina Di Mauro Kelly alleged in legal documents.


The couple's eldest daughter once had to clean up her father's excrement after a doorman at their posh Fifth Ave. home carried the blasted banker to his bed, according to the wife's court documents.

In a deposition, Sage refuted this by saying, "I have never defecated or urinated in bed, on the floor or a wall." This is exactly something a wall-shitter would say.

He would only fuck his wife if they were high on coke

Like I said, marrying an investment banker leads to an extremely fulfilling lifestyle full of sex positivity.

Christina Kelly, 38, charges in court papers that she never used cocaine until she met her husband-to-be, and he refused to have sex with her unless they were snorting coke.


Christina Kelly recounted a marriage where her husband was closer to his trusted drug dealer than to her.

She detailed a staggering drug intake that included cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, ketamine, Molly and magic mushrooms. She also identified in court papers 20 of her husband's friends, including many fellow brokers, who she claimed regularly joined in his drug-taking escapades.

His daughter once accidentally almost did his coke

Also, I should mention that being the child of an investment banker will result in a simple and normal childhood that will in no way leave you permanently scarred.

The older daughter once ended up sticking her finger into a bag of cocaine left on a pool table at their summer home, with the horrified mom rushing to stop any ingestion, the court papers charged.

The wife claimed Kelly once became so "discombobulated and depressed" while using ketamine that he wound up "desperately clinging to (their daughter) for several hours."

Daddy's home! (High.) (On ketamine.) (Honey, please help Daddy stand up.)

He wanted to wife-swap with a client

One time, Sage and Christina were out with a man name Marc, who works for Aegerion Pharmaceuticals. They had an orgy that sounds sexy and not uncomfortable. Via Dealbreaker:

Working in finance leads to a healthy and regret-free life.

[image of Leonardo DiCaprio portraying a very sane American in Wolf of Wall Street via YouTube]