The internet scoffed again this week: “Six dollars for a bottle of water with asparagus in it? Whole Foods has gone too far.” But the bougie grocery chain is doing God’s work by ripping off the foolish.

This was the perfect internet micro-outrage non-event: take something recognizable (Whole Foods) plus something relatable (drinking water) plus something vaguely immoral (overpriced... food?) and throw it on Instagram:

And the headlines about nothing rolled in:

But you all fucked up: charging six bucks for some asparagus stalks floating in a water bottle isn’t just delicious and refreshing (maybe) but righteous, an act of social justice.

Exploiting the poor has and will always be categorically wrong, but ripping off the rich and dumb—for whom uncooked asparagus is put in water bottles—is the American dream. Just like one cannot step in the same river twice or kick a dream, it’s impossible to “exploit” the rich; they are the ones who exploit. They can, though, be ripped off and fleeced, and should be, as much as is possible and legal. Six dollar Whole Foods asparagus water is one such legal means of taking money away from people who have six dollars to spend on Whole Foods asparagus water and moving it somewhere else in the economy.

Remember the $30 hot dog cart? That man—demonized by the tabloid press, naturally—was a hero of New York. He made Spider-Man look like shit. The $30 hot dog cart was a tax on foolhardy people with more money than sense, a casino for the hungry and moronic. What better way to wash down a hot dog sold at a $29.50 markup than with a refreshing glass of asparagus water, you sucker?

New York City has long served as a vast machine for extracting cash from people too stupid and undeserving to hold on to it—six dollar veggie water is the only missing cog. So we ask you Whole Foods, don’t stop stocking asparagus water at your L.A. store, but send it our way. And charge $10.

Contact the author at
Public PGP key
PGP fingerprint: E93A 40D1 FA38 4B2B 1477 C855 3DEA F030 F340 E2C7