Yale University, a squirrel-less arrangement of faux-ancient stone buildings in southwestern Connecticut, has a major pooping problem. Since the beginning of September, someone—almost certainly a Yale student—has placed human feces, urine, and/or food in running dryers installed in Saybrook College, one of the university’s residential colleges. Now Yale’s own police force is hunting down the pooper.

An unknown individual or group, who students have dubbed the ‘poopetrator,’ has repeatedly defecated in students’ laundry, leaving many fearful about the safety of their clothes. After an additional episode was reported on Sept. 26, Saybrook Master Paul Hudak announced that Yale Police has officially joined the investigation and is seeking further information.

This being Yale, the ramifications are certain to extend beyond a few ruined items of clothing. Sophomore Lucy Fleming informed the Yale Daily News that the pooper threatened to rip apart Yale’s social fabric, soiling the school’s silky web of mutual trust and collegiate agreeability.

“The fact that this could happen at Yale is shocking to me,” Fleming said. “Think about what this means for our community.”

Asked about her immediate reaction, another (anonymous) laundry victim told Rumpus, Yale’s humor tabloid: “To be honest it was mostly pure unadulterated incredulity of the are-you-fucking-kidding-me variety.” The victim added: “I mean, the entire reason my laundry was in this top dryer in the first place was that someone had already urinated on it in the bottom dryer, so I had to rewash the whole thing (with extra detergent).”

It’s unclear whether the pooper has been identified. Last week, IvyGate reported rumors that Yale authorities had pinned “a female sophomore” as the pooper. The incident that prompted the Yale Police’s involvement, however, occurred two days later. Yalies should assume the pooper is still at large.

Any theories of who it might be? We have one Harvard graduate in mind.

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