What Is Non-Groundhog Murderer Bill de Blasio Hiding?
New York City mayor and giant among men Bill de Blasio has announced that he will not be attending this year’s Groundhog Day ceremony. Does his decision have anything to do with the sudden, mysterious death of the very same groundhog he sent flying just days prior back in 2014? We’ll let you decide.
Because while the Staten Island Zoo has maintained that Charlotte the groundhog (who wasn’t even supposed to be there that day, but was secretly filling for her brother Chuck) did not die as a result of what was surely a terrifying drop for a creature so small, some were skeptical. Let’s take a look at what we know to be true:
- Fact: Bill de Blasio is six feet, six inches tall while groundhogs are, on average, a mere 20 inches tall.
- Fact: Bill de Blasio would make a highly effective suicide tower for any groundhog thus-inclined.
- Fact: Last year, while de Blasio did attend the Groundhog’s Day event, he was made to keep a safe (some might say embarrassing) distance.
- Fact: This will be the first Groundhog Day de Blasio is missing in his time as Mayor.
- Fact: Bill de Blasio claims that his reason for skipping this year’s festivities is to campaign for Hillary Clinton in Iowa on Monday.
- Fact: Groundhog’s Day is Tuesday.
- Fact: Monday is not Tuesday.
- Fact: Charlotte the groundhog is dead.
What—or who—is Bill de Blasio hiding from? Legally we cannot say for sure. But if you have any information at all about Charlotte’s tragic death or other groundhog-related plot, please do let us know.
Rest in peace, dear Charlotte. And don’t worry: Justice is coming.