We Need to Talk About Prince Harry's Girlfriend's Hair
Word on the street is that the flame-haired party king of England, future Duke of Suffolk, and the most decorated Female Body Inspector of all time, Prince Harry of Wales, is planning to marry his girlfriend of one-and-a-half years, the lithe blonde human incarnation of Burning Man Cressida Bonas—and soon.
The Telegraph is talking about wedding; the TODAY show is talking about the wedding. The rumor even exists as literal words on the street, etched in chalk on Kate Middleton's stone driveway in her own spidery hand, where she has scrawled "HARRY MARRY CRESSIDA NO NO NO," and then crossed the letters out with a great white X again and again, scraping the chalk nubbin down to bloody finger tips, scratching the skin off red, raw knuckles as she worked. Tonight, after she puts the baby to bed, she'll come back and douse the letters with gasoline, tossing one of her plainer diamonds into the fire as it burns. When the flames have gone out, she'll kneel down and kiss the scorched spot, whispering a prayer to Whatever Is Listening for the deliverance of her husband's family from this troupe of affluent bohemian lunatics. (Middleton is said to be against the union, due to her chilly relationship with Bonas' half-sister.)
Anyway, Cressida Bonas wears scrunchies all the time.
Here's a picture of Cressida Bonas attending the Glastonbury music festival in June. She is wearing denim overalls, green plastic sunglasses, and a scrunchie. She is not attending a costume party. This is just how she decided to dress for a day of summer fun. I hope it doesn't rain, thought Cressida. I'd better wear a scrunchie.
Here's the full version of that outfit, taken while Cressida was carrying a plate of French fries. (It's part of a set of photos, which you can easily find online, of Cressida wandering around and around a grassy area carrying a plate of French fries.) Viewed in full, the outfit is very "Clarissa Explain It All." Cressida Explains None of It.
IN LOVE with Cressida Bonas' #Glastonbury outfit.. Channelling the #90s in denim dungarees, trainers and a scrunchie pic.twitter.com/cSQHeXuf2S
— Dans Les Nuages (@_DansLesNuages_) July 3, 2013
Here is a picture of Cressida Bonas snapped one week ago, as she and Prince Harry left a performance of The Book of Mormon in London. I loved the songs, Prince Harry said in the car on the way home. I loved my scrunchie, whispered Cressida, to a different scrunchie she was holding.
Here is a picture of Cressida Bonas taken in September at a restaurant called "Bumpkin," which is what Cressida looks like when she leaves the house everyday wearing a giant scrunchie. One of Cressida's companions at the Bumpkin lunch was Prince Harry's cousin, Princess Eugenie, who is believed to have introduced the couple. When the bill came for lunch, Cressida said, It's on me, ladies, then upended her purse onto the table, sending a half-dozen velvet scrunchies rolling everywhere: onto bread plates, into spilled salad dressing smears, etc. Later, Cressida pulled a scrunchie out of her pocket and ate it.
cressida bonas, the anti-kate, wearing a scrunchie while lunching with princess eugenie. SHE IS PERFECTION. pic.twitter.com/PMeMUL3eot
— Rebecca Macatee (@rebeccamacatee) September 28, 2013
Here is a picture of some pictures of Cressida Bonas, published in the Sun in August. In these, she is wearing a frequent variant of her signature scrunchie: the flower-bobalob-stuffed-haphazardly-into-hair. Where do you think Cressida is headed, wearing pajama pants and a crown of sideways flower bobalobs? Dance class? A formal dinner? A surgical amphitheater? The furniture store? A graveyard? Red Lobster, to drop off her résumé for a hostess position? I would believe anything. She's very boho.
Here is a picture of Cressida Bonas smiling with some unknown blonde women, apparently snapped earlier this summer. As always, Cressida may be easily identified by the jaunty scrunchie growing out of her head like benign tumor. If you or I wore a scrunchie, we would be executed by a firing squad. Cressida wears one, and a Prince trips all over himself to marry her. Try explaining that to your pastor.
behold: cressida bonas (far left) in a scrunchie.. pic.twitter.com/D0mhbmrVej
— Rebecca Macatee (@rebeccamacatee) July 25, 2013
Even when she's going somewhere fancy, like a wedding, she's always got shit in her hair.
Will Prince Harry propose to Cressida Bonas on bended knee, vowing to love her, protect her, and keep her in scrunchies and various hair baubles for the rest of her natural life? Will Cressida tear up and dab at her eyes with a sunflower-print scrunchie she had looped around her ankle "for safekeeping"? On the occasion of her wedding, will the Queen allow Cressida to be formally styled "Princess Crazypants" or will Cressida have to settle for more subdued Duchess of Funk?
Or will Kate Middleton just quietly poison her before any of that can happen?