Last year, all-American employer Walmart started its "Black Friday" sales in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner, which was a real treat for Walmart employees. This year, hell, why not just make it whole week? Of hell?

Capital idea! So this year Walmart will have a five-day-long "Black Friday," chock full of great deals, hot sales, and lines of weary and dispirited low-income Americans fighting against one another for discounts in a grotesque display of capitalism's total mastery of humanity. Here is a real quote from the Wall Street Journal: "'It used to be called Black Friday, then it became Thursday, now it's a week long,' said Wal-Mart U.S. chief merchant Duncan Mac Naughton. 'Maybe we should just call it November.'"

Haha, right you are, Mr. Mac Naughton. I think I speak for all of America's holiday shoppers when I wish you the best of luck not getting trampled by frenzied crowds this November in one of America's 4,322 convenient Walmart locations. Which will, of course, have a "sales event" at 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving day this year as well.

Walmart employees might complain about giving over their family holidays to their employer, but hey—that's why they get paid the big bucks.