Union-busting crapola purveyor Walmart hates nothing more than organized labor. It has an extensive system in place to quash union talk wherever it arises. And its sample dialogues are quite enjoyable!

Last week, Occupy leaked a set of internal Walmart anti-union training documents, which instructed managers on how to persuade workers that unions are bad without violating labor law. (Well... nobody's perfect.) But you didn't expect the mothership to leave something as important as anti-union rhetoric in the uncontrolled hands of store managers, did you? Not at all.

Walmart conveniently provides managers with sample scripts that show the right way to talk to employees about union. Occupy posted a few of them online today, and—if it is not too late—we ask that the Nobel committee consider this a formal submission in the category of Literature. For example:

Sharing a fact about unions

Female Associate: Hey I have a quick question for you

Male Associate: Sure

Female Associate: Hey I was talking to one of the guys in my area and they told me that we could get an automatic increase in pay if we got a union in the store. Is that true?

Male Associate: Hmm, well that's a good question LaTonya, and thanks for asking, but you know our company doesn't feel that associates should have to spend their hard earned money to have someone represent them and neither do I. But to answer your question, through the collective bargaining process, there's no telling what they will end up with. They can end up with more, the same or even less.

Female Associate: Hmm you gave me a lot to think about I appreciate it. Thank you

Male Associate: You're welcome

Well, LaTonya—if that is your real name—with a union you could end up with less, in the same sense that all of the atoms in this room could, through spontaneous motion, transmogrify into a beautiful sculpture of a naked woman, right here in front of us. Such things are possible. We should also talk about your strange loathing of correct comma usage. And:

Female Associate: Hey Steve, I've been thinking, if a union were to get in to Walmart, things really would not be that bad.

Steve: Here's the thing about unions Jenny, there really are no guarantees. I remember when I was a kid my dad was part of the auto workers and they went on strike for 6 months and he had to walk a picket line that whole time. I would hate to see that happen to anybody here in our club.

Female Associate: Wow thank you Steve

Steve: You bet!!

It's odd, this high praise for a such a mundane story, is it not? You'd think so—until you met Steve. He's just one of those guys who lights up a room. With multiple exclamation points. Also:

First Female Associate: I'm just not really sure about all this union stuff, what would you do Susan?

Susan: Well thank you for asking, and you know Walmart doesn't feel like you need a union to speak for you and neither do I. I feel like we work well together and a union would only hinder our ability to communicate with one another. I like the Walmart Open Door Policy where we can communicate openly with our associates, kind of like we are doing right now.

First Female Associate: That's true we can, it's kind of nice to be able to do that.

Susan: Yeah


[via Occupy. Photo: