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I am so done with this election and its scandals. Between Benghazi and kicking a baby out of a rally, I can’t vote for either of the two major candidates in good conscience. So what do I do come November 1st? I’m a patriot, and thus it is my duty to exercise my fundamental right as an American citizen and vote. Plus I heard if you don’t vote, you die.

I imagine millions of Americans are feeling the same way, so I graciously took it upon myself to investigate alternative options. What the mainstream media doesn’t tell you is this: There are 1,830 people are currently running for president, according to the Federal Election Commission’s website. So down with the two-party system! Vote for one of these qualified Americans instead:

Buffy Anne Summers

Pros: Saved the world 7+ times; Giles would make an excellent chief of staff; resilient enough to have died twice and still be going strong; finally a woman in the White House!

Cons: Being both the slayer and the president sounds like too much responsibility for one person.

Touchy the Pedophile Serial Killer Uncle Clown

Pros: I really see none.

Cons: Probably a bad uncle, also a pedophile and serial killer.

Jill Stein

Pros: Harvard MD; wants to abolish student debt.

Cons: Thinks wi-fi is hurting our children; still a little iffy on whether she thinks vaccines cause autism.

Francis J. Underwood

Pros: Kevin Spacey is extremely hot.

Cons: A vote for Frank Underwood feels equivalent to a vote for a parody Twitter account.

Sydneys Voluptuous Buttocks

Pros: Butts have been in since, like, 2014.

Cons: Is Sydney’s voluptuous buttocks a strong enough platform to run on? Can it support the weight of the world’s problems? I’m not convinced.

9/11 Bushdid

Pros: Presumably what Yoda would sound like if he was a 9/11 truther.

Cons: Presumably what Yoda would sound like if he was a 9/11 truther.

The Antichrist

Pros: The Lars Von Trier presidency we’ve all been secretly pining for.

Cons: Running with the Communist Party, which supports an ideology that rejects religion, thus rejecting Christ and his inverse; has yet to really differentiate himself from his opponent, Childeater/Molester McSatanAntichrist.

What Are Thooooose

Pros: This meme never gets old. This meme might be the one thing to unite this very divided country.

Cons: A What Are Thooooose presidency will likely ruin the joke.

Ponzi Schemes Suck

Pros: I agree, ponzi schemes are bad!

Cons: But is that really the most pressing issue facing our country right now?

Bill Clinton

Pros: Has amazing experience, extremely qualified.

Cons: Sort of a dick move to run against your wife; signed 1994 Crime Bill into law.


Pros: I’m also always screaming.

Cons: I see none.

Looks like I’m going with AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA because if anything will unite this country, it’s the desire to fucking scream my lungs out. Hope this helps you make an informed decision. Namaste.