Velveeta Shortage Threatens Our National Cheez Supply
Attention, readers: this is not a test. This is not a drill. Please, without panicking, stop what you are doing and make your way to the nearest supermarket. Now. America may—and we stress may—be running out of Velveeta.
Kraft Food Product Construction Corporation executives are all, "Uhh, what are you talking about? No big deal. Look over there!" when they were contacted about this quiet crisis by intrepid Ad Age reporter E.J. Schultz, who writes that "reports of a [Velveeta] shortage at a few East Coast grocery stores" prompted the magazine to aggressively investigate this matter of utmost public importance, considering the fact that the majority of Americans are unable to make any dip recipes other than "Velveeta and a jar of salsa, in the microwave" for their upcoming Super Bowl parties.
The pathetic mouthpieces of Big Cheez assure Ad Age that this is a "short-term issue" driven by "high demand." But are you willing to gamble with the sanctity of your Super Bowl party and/ or daily snack? We cannot formally instruct the public to immediately buy all of the Velveeta Cheez Product at your nearest store. We can only say that we are about to do so, this very instant.