A terrible, honking specter with a hole in his head and a heart ossified by hate will soon return to haunt the skies above Boston, taunting the mortals below and hissing in the face of their “God."
He is an unkillable agent of Satan.
He is: The Goose That Will Not Die.
On July 28th, the Boston Globe reports, the Animal Rescue League of Boston received a call that a Canada goose with an arrow in his head had been spotted swimming (and almost certainly freaking out other geese) in a pond near Plymouth. He had been shot in the head by two boys playing with a bow and arrow. (According to the paper, as punishment, the boys were educated about state hunting regulations and “the dangers of bows and arrows," which would be worse than prison to a child.)
Despite the fact that an arrow was lodged firmly in his head, the goose did not appear to be dying. In fact, he was thriving, for he had long ago sold his soul to Beelzebub in exchange for the tedium of immortality.
The goose was removed to the New England Wildlife Center where Greg Mertz, a human veterinarian, cared for him on behalf of the Son of Morning. Mertz reported that the bird had suffered a few minor injuries to the equivalent of its jawbone (in the places where the arrow had BEEN SHOT THROUGH ITS HEAD), but that it had incurred no major brain or nerve damage. The wound didn’t even bleed when Mertz removed the arrow, the shaft of which had been EMBEDDED IN ITS FACE.
Throughout the ordeal, the bird remained able to stand, swallow, and utter an uninterrupted stream of spine-tingling curses in a backwards bird language that none of the humans could hear or understand. Mertz said he was “feisty.”
Mertz added that this goose is “the luckiest goose in the world,” which is something not normally said about people (or animals) who have been shot in the face. Perhaps he meant to say that this is goose is "a goose in the world."
The Globe reports that doctors might keep the goose around until early September to monitor its recovery, but why bother? This goose is not going to die. He is going to outlive us all. He will circle our bloated corpses like a vulture at the End of Days. He will pick clean our sun-bleached bones.
He is expected to make a full recovery.