[There was a video here]

Selfie-taker Michael Hoffman has the ripped physique and boyish good looks of someone who’d tag Instagram posts #instagay, except HE ISN’T GAY!!! He declared as much in a YouTube response to a recent rash of “leaked” videos of him masturbating.

“I just want to say, I know there are videos going around of me. I understand,” he tells us from his car. “But I wanted to say a few things. One, I’m not gay. Those videos, I can understand, make me look that way, and I respect gay people completely, but I’m not gay. I’m straight.”

If you didn’t read this post’s headline and somehow stumbled onto this page (you, like Michael Hoffman, ARE NOT GAY!!!), you may be wondering how videos of a man masturbating may imply that he’s gay. Well, in one of them, he ejaculates onto his hand (really, the lower part of his thumb, where it meets the rest of his hand) and then tentatively begins to lick at his semen. He finally plunges his thumb into his mouth and devours his dick’s doing. He winces a little bit. It’s very hetero/heteroperformative. Not that eating your own cum suggests that you are gay anyway! Maybe you are curious or hungry or you prefer the efficiency of ingesting to cleaning. Maybe you’re just trying to seem relatable to your audience. I don’t think sucking your own dick makes you gay, either; it makes you lucky.

Hoffman goes on to explain that he made over $10,000 selling videos like the ones that are now available for free online. He clearly filmed them himself, so I guess he sold them as limited edition art pieces.

“I needed the money, I posted those videos, I was naive about it thinking that they’d never get online, but someone started the whole thing and posted them online or a few people did and um, you know, it is what it is,” says Hoffman, his story growing thin.

Though he describes the ordeal as “humiliating” and laments his inability to go anywhere without being looked at “weird” (yes...weird), Hoffman is optimistic about his future in entertainment. “I guess I’m gonna continue maybe doing, you know, flexing or whatever on YouTube. Probably start acting and stuff...”

Well great, here’s your boost. Now don’t fuck it up, Michael Hoffman.

Update: Since the publication of this post, Tumblr Stud has removed from YouTube his response to the “leak” of his nude videos. But don’t worry, we got you.