It's a tale as old as time: boy meets car, boy fucks car, boy moves on, lives life, fucks more cars, gets confused, fucks human, falls in love (with car), settles down, keeps a few sidepieces, and fucks a helicopter here and there, too, whenever he can get it.

Today on ITV's This Morning, hosts Phillip Schofield and Amanda Holden interviewed Edward Smith, a 63-year-old mechaphile living in marital bliss with white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla. Before he met the ol' ball-and-chain, though, he was a real wild man, and claims to have made sweet, tender love to something like 700 automobiles (Somehow, in an interview last year, that number was much higher. Hmmm.)

For Smith, the mechanics of romance don't involve any penetration—just hugging, petting, a light caress here, some whispered sweet talk there. "And then, of course," he continues, "The rest is just physical satisfaction. Masturbation, I guess, is the word."

Late in the interview, Smith clarifies that deep down, he knows that the object of his attraction is just a car, and incapable of amorous feelings, but that doesn't keep him from loving Vanilla just the same. The bond is so strong, in fact, that she doesn't mind when he pays an occasional visit to the nasty old hussy of a Ford pickup he also owns.

The hosts, bless them, do an admirable job of staying straight-faced throughout the segment, until close to the end, when Smith describes a steamy night ten years ago with a group of hot, young Ford Tauruses.

[There was a video here]

[h/t BuzzFeed]