Looks like the royal baby will have zero time to recover from its swim through the English Channel of amniotic fluid before doing battle with its first foe: a giant Loch Ness monster version of Colin Firth that has just been plunked down in Serpentine Lake in Hyde Park, London.
The monster, forged of fiberglass by Satan as part of a summer sculpture course he's been taking at a local university, is twelve feet high and features visible, dusky nipples that could choke a cow. The Guardian reports that it is intended to recreate, on a titanic scale, a scene from the 1995 BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice, in which Mr. Darcy (played by Colin Firth) goes for a swim at his grand estate. A recent survey of British audiences declared the so-called "Lake Scene (Colin Firth Strips Off)" the most memorable moment in British TV drama.
However, while the scene has become iconic, it was invented purely for broadcast and does not exist in Austen's novel. So, while the statue may represent a sexed up version of Mr. Darcy, there can be no arguing that it actually depicts a giant, slightly distraught-looking Colin Firth.
The Guardian reports that Loch Ness Firth will tour the UK, lumbering through the nightmares of school children, giving geese the heebie-jeebies, and chomping on the gristly afterbirth of Kate Middleton while a horrified nation watches, paralyzed, before coming to rest in Lyme Park, Cheshire where the scene was filmed.
It was commissioned to commemorate the launch of a new TV channel.
To contact the author of this post, email email@example.com.