There's a cool new drug in America that will mess you up something awful. Ask your mom to hook you up with some "Krokodil" and don't forget the Oxycontin chaser. Everybody's having more fun, even super-old ex-president George "H.W." Bush, who not only went to a gay wedding but was also the legal witness to the marriage. Chris Christie, the GOP's only moderate, defiled this very recent memory of Bush 41 by trying to block legal gay marriage in New Jersey. Another politician took a picture of his dick and got caught, but this happened in England so who cares. More bad shows appeared on broadcast television, people found a way to involve sandwiches in their relationship problems, and a wild bear went to a bar because that's where the booze is kept. What did you do?

One danger of raping your 14-year-old student is that you might get caught and have to do "hard time," but a lucky Montana teacher got out of jail after just 30 easy days. This guy is going to become a real hero to all the rapists rotting in prison everywhere. Anything involving sex is bad news: Sexually mature homo sapiens have upset much older homo sapiens through the use of technology created by older homo sapiens to market to the sexually mature homo sapiens.

An entertainer called Kanye West—think "MC Hammer," but without the graciousness—spent much of the week yelling at a television comedian, via Twitter, and yelling at some other people "in real life."

Another television comedian performed a well-received musical sketch. Curiously, few people watch such sketches on television, preferring to view recorded bits of the programs within tiny squares of "embedded video" on web pages that at one time featured original writing. But not everyone is sitting in their cubicle watching TV clips: These former U.S. soldiers are now "killers for hire," which is a great way to stay active and make some cash.

Speaking of our Nation's Heroes, remember that epic video game adventure, SEAL Snipers Kill Pajama-Wearing Terror Muslim? The investigative journalist who made his career revealing Pentagon and Washington war lies says that whole Bin Laden assassination thing was also a pack of lies. Turns out the Jesus stories just old mythological stories, too. Horse_ebooks was also fake, but divinely inspired.

What is privilege, socially speaking? Chances are it's something you have, yet pretend to lack. But none of you have any solid economic privilege, because you're all six months away from being homeless, at best. How does that feel? Bad enough to watch some more video clips on a website, that's how it feels!

Have you already cheated on your new spouse, because you are a despicable amoral coward who lacked the decency to "strike out on your own," like in a Jennifer Aniston movie or some such thing? In time, you'll pay for this through the terror and pain of untreatable illness, geriatric poverty and a lonesome death. Meanwhile, maybe you can "patch things up" if your wronged spouse decides to make a social-media game of shaming you, forever.

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A tourist at the Empire State Building was found to be concealing many folds of clammy skin and an uncountable number of greasy ingrown whiskers. There's one less man in the "blue man group," because a man who achieved the goal of momentary fame for having blue skin has now died. And let's not forget this asshole who stood in front of a television camera all day and all night trying to keep sick people from getting medical care. Eh, actually let's just forget him completely. Let's forget the entire vile week!