George Washington, who died 217 years ago of acute laryngitis, will be the first speaker at this year’s Republican National Convention. And as of right now, dead former President George Washington is also the only speaker, according to the official RNC app.
Of course, there should be other speakers. Other speakers like Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, and Don King, for instance. But until Donald Trump actually releases the official speaker schedule—he’s missed his own deadline twice now—those remain in the theoretical.
Meaning that, for now, we have no other choice but to assume that Donald Trump has resorted to reanimating the rotting corpse of our first President in the style of Weekend at Bernie’s because absolutely no one else is willing to speak on his behalf.