There’s a lot more to ATI—the insane fundamentalist homeschool program used by the Duggars and thousands of others—than just bad science. In addition to revelations about cancer-causing semen, you’ll also be getting a whole section of fashion tips. Because if there’s anything god hates (more than lust and sex and logic and just you in general), it’s hairstyles that don’t complement the shape of your face.

Ladies, keep those knees together, makeup on, necklines modest, shoulders straight—the list goes on. And gentlemen, keep your hair short and... well, bathe mostly. Here’s everything you need to know to be able to claim your heavenly reward in style. And please note that this falls under “Medicine Resource.” It’s science!

1) “Wear a smile.”

People hate a Debbie Downer. Who wants to look at sad, lifeless eyes? (Not the Lord that’s for sure.) Instead, let them gaze upon your happy, lifeless smile.

2) “Choose colors which enhance your skin tones.”

God made color palettes so you wouldn’t look like shit.

3. “Choose a hairstyle which complements the shape of your face.”

Oval faces go to heaven.

4. “Wear special accents near your face.”

As long as it’s drawing attention above the neckline—god thinks you look great.

5. “Wear clothing that fits properly.”

It would seem that god also hates skinny jeans.

6. “Avoid eye traps.”

Don’t draw attention to yourself in any way ever.

7. “Practice personal disciplines of neatness, cleanliness, exercise, and weight control.”


8. “Stand tall—sit gracefully.”

Ladies: Keep your head high, neck straight, stomach sucked in, knees together, ankles crossed, shoulders back, and baby-maker pointed straight down at the floor. We advise just never moving.

9. “Match your choice of clothing to the occasion or activity.”

This seems like a good time to remind everyone that we are, once again, learning about “Medical Resources.”

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