The Debasing Race: Meet the Fox News GOP Debate Contestants
It’s time. Tomorrow night, at 9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time, ten drunk clowns are going to fight with each other on national television for the chance to make wildly important decisions that affect each and every one of our livelihoods. It is going to be a god damn masterpiece.
But who actually are these ten racist-chain-letter-forwarding grandparents making a mockery of the political process on Fox News’ esteemed stage?
We’re glad you asked. Allow us to present: The 2016 Republican candidates for the President of the United States of America. God help us all.
Occupation: Pompous tycoon who falls in the pool at at the end of an ‘80s snobs vs. slobs comedy.
Hometown: A fiery lake of burning sulfur.
About: Trump is a real estate magnate/reality show host/Sharper Image meat salesman/apparent politician(?)/what would happen if a caps lock key was granted one wish and that wish was to come to life.
Turn Ons: Money, the word “no,” Donald Trump.
Turn Offs: Illegal immigrants, legal immigrants, anyone of another race, logic, the wind.
Secret Fantasy: “President Trump, all of the other presidents and prime ministers are on the line, and they all agree that you are the classiest and richest president, and all the government scientists have proven that everyone who disagrees is ugly.”
Hometown: Houston, Texas
About: Jeb! is the most plausible presidential candidate to stand on Thursday night’s stage. Despite being the former governor of Florida and a descendent of one of America’s most esteemed presidential monarchies, the second Bush boy is currently polling second to a boisterous clown.
Turn Ons: Roleplaying as a Hispanic person, the Mayflower, playing hard to get (a straight answer from regarding Iraq), being a greedy-ass prick.
Turn Offs: Unwed mothers, big words.
Secret Fantasy: Finds out he actually is Hispanic.
Occupation: Governor of Wisconsin.
Hometown: Plainfield, Iowa
About: Nothing can possibly be said that more perfectly encapsulates the essence of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker than the AFL-CIO’s own, short explainer: “Scott Walker is a national disgrace.”
Turn Ons: Forced ultrasounds, unconstitutional fees, repealing equal pay for women, those fun, later months of rape and incest-caused pregnancies.
Turn Offs: The poors, the gays, public education, making good choices, the concept of a livable minimum wage.
Secret Fantasy: All women voters are placed under a magical spell that prevents them from hearing or remembering anything he says about rape.
Occupation: Nostradamus impersonator/bassist.
Hometown: Hope, Arkansas
About: Mike Huckabee is a former Baptist minister, former governor of Arkansas, former Fox News personality, and very current believer that the End of Days is just around the corner.
Turn Ons: Girls!!!, racists, plain-spoken racists, the holocaust, the Duggars, being a proud father to murderous large adult sons.
Turn Offs: Homosexuals!!!, militant homosexuals, Planned Parenthood, girls that are too horny, Obama.
Secret Fantasy: The Lord finally calls upon his devoted servant, Mike Huckabee, who stands ready atop Mt. Carmel, to rain down fire from the Heavens on the “hundreds and hundreds of false prophets.” Granted, this particular fantasy is technically not a secret. So, let’s say, Jesus shows up at Huckabee’s house with a Telecaster and asks if he knows “Long Train Runnin’.”
Occupation: Pediatric neurosurgeon/frequent subject of sentences that begin “some of my best friends....”
Hometown: Detroit, Michigan
About: The renowned, now-retired Johns Hopkins pediatric neurosurgeon became a GOP darling after conservatives decided to employ a bit of selective hearing during Carson’s ever-so-slight critique of Obama’s healthcare policies back in 2013. But of course, he’s running with it.
Turn Ons: A flat tax system based on biblical tithings, prison (unfortunately [because it makes you gay]).
Turn Offs: Gays, pedophiles, and zoophiles (all one and the same).
Secret Fantasy: Someone greenlights a sequel to the very, very real made-for-TV movie based on Ben Carson’s life, starring Cuba Gooding Jr.
Occupation: Coloring book model.
Hometown: Calgary, Canada
About: As a former Harvard law debate prick perpetually cloaked in his dad’s suit, Ted Cruz holds the proud title of most unequivocally punchable face on stage.
Turn Ons: Flag burning, world burning, pranks, Peter Thiel.
Turn Offs: Tailors, martial law, a functioning government, Canada.
Secret Fantasy: Obama-led martial law conspiracy Jade Helm finally goes into action only to be immediately dismantled by Green Beret Ted Cruz. Next time, everyone agrees, they’ll listen.
Occupation: Future former candidate for president.
Hometown: Miami, Florida
About: This former Tea Party darling only got his initial bid for Senate thanks to the group’s crazy-eyed support. But after Rubio embraced his roots and lobbied for immigration reform, his Tea Party support, like anything at all potentially interesting about Marco Rubio, evaporated.
Turn Ons: Terrible analogies, America, Americans, Jesus, freedom, the USA, hardcore gangster rap.
Turn Offs: Science, unquenched thirst.
Secret Fantasy: Someone finally hides his Twitter password, saving everyone a lot of unnecessary discomfort.
Occupation: Opthamologist, has Ron Paul for a father.
Hometown: Bowling Green, Kentucky
About: A notorious train itinerary fabulist, Rand Paul is the libertarian-leaning son of everyone’s favorite Apocalypse-prepping leprechaun, Ron Paul. He is (unfortunately for us) significantly less outwardly insane than his father and (fortunately for us) not even going to come close to winning.
Turn Ons: Ayn Rand, slavery analogies, blaming taxes for the death of Eric Garner, Wikipedia.
Turn Offs: Universal healthcare, vaccines, the poors, embarrassing dads, immigrants.
Secret Fantasy: Has literally any other name.
Occupation: Physical embodiment of every New Jersey stereotype.
Hometown: Newark, New Jersey
About: Where to begin! This union-busting, teacher-hating, sex-having bane to commuters and bridge-crossers everywhere is the scumbag king. He accepts gifts from foreign governments, bleeds New Jersey dry, fucks over his constituents—and he does it all with a smile.
Turn Ons: Ballpark franks, ballpark nachos, ballpark burgers, Jerry Jones, Bruce Springsteen.
Turn Offs: Teachers, unions, unproblematic traffic, vaccines.
Bruce Springsteen’s Turn Offs: Chris Christie.
Secret Fantasy: An unspeakable scene that involves ballpark franks, ballpark nachos, ballpark burgers, Bruce Springsteen, and several unconscious teachers.
Occupation: Being, you know, that other guy.
Hometown: Westerville, Ohio
About: The least-known in this delightful festival of fools is Ohio governor John Kasich. The most remarkable thing about him, though, is that despite all of his genuinely terrible opinions, the flaming piles of garbage surrounding him actually make him look halfway decent. We promise you, he is not.
Turn Ons: “Laundry and things,” illegal donations from Fox News.
Turn Offs: Acting like an adult, female reproductive rights, unions, and as with them all, the poors.
Secret Fantasy: Someone calls him anything other than “that other guy.”
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org. Images by Jim Cooke, photos via Getty. Top image via AP.