The most recent Ashley Madison data dump promises to reveal plenty of incriminating information on its widely reviled CEO Noel Biderman. But so far, nothing we’ve found in this newest leak has been quite as imminently painful as Biderman’s 100-page, Ashley Madison-themed screenplay: In Bed With Ashley Madison.

Having read through all 100 pages of the script, in which the phrase “Ashley Madison” was uttered no less than 45 times, I wish I could tell you what it’s about. I cannot. The plot is largely nonsensical, entire pages exist as poorly concealed advertisements for Ashley Madison, and there is a brief, sexual interlude with a little person, a dildo, and a teddy bear.

I can, however, tell you that the story has something to do with a sort of female-Don Draper trying to land the Big Account. That account is, of course, Ashley Madison. It is also “inspired by actual events” and co-written by this guy.

But since I will never be able to do justice to what transpires on these godforsaken pages, allow me to present the best parts of the most beautiful disaster you will ever read.

Good, strong representations of women.

Good, strong representations of Jews.

More good, strong representations of Jews.

Brief interludes with unavailable men.

Pages and pages of unbearable banter follow.


Lots and lots of finance chatter, with special appearances by: Figures!


And numbers!

And, of course, sex.

And more sex.

Sympathetic depictions of the homeless.

Subtle justifications for extramarital affairs.

As well as subtle advertisements for Ashley Madison in general.

They blend right in.

Like, you hardly even notice it.

At all.

[Note: Coincidentally, fictional Ashley Madison CEO (named Ashley Madison) wrote a book just like actual Ashley Madison CEO and aspiring screenplay writer Noel Biderman.]

There’s also this.

Until at long last, and in the final hours, Ashley Madison’s totally fictional and not at all real exec saves the day.

Almost none of the characters we are introduced to have recurring parts: Paul the Hobo makes a grand total of two appearances. The Orthodox Jewish executives make one. The S&M camgirl teddy bear, however, appears in three separate scenes. I do not know what any of it means.

Contact the author at Art by Sam Woolley, image via Shutterstock.