Stoners, though an affable bunch, have regrettable taste in just about everything. It's a trope as old as thyme rolled in cigarette paper and sold as a joint, and it's true: the outside world only knows about drug rugs, mushroom posters, and the Disco Biscuits because poor weed-smoking saps actually buy into those things. How are you supposed to get your blazed-out buddies gifts befitting reasonable adult humans this holiday season without totally alienating them?
Stoners: to be clear, this gift guide isn't an attempt to get you to stop being stoners, or even to rob you of the reggae music and baggy clothing you love. Like the pair of desert boots your cool older brother bought you when he noticed the hole in your Etnies, it is a refinement, a paternal nudge in the right direction. It is a list of gifts for you, and for the grown-up stoner the world knows you can be.
The Congos' 1977 masterpiece is the reggae album of choice for snobby music nerds everywhere for a reason. Cocktail conversation about Congos will go over much better with fellow non-teens than blather about the best track from Bob Marley's Legend, and thanks to swampy, spaced-out production from Lee "Scratch" Perry, it sounds way better when you're stoned, too.
By far the most unattractive aspect of stoner culture is its fixation on ever-more-complicated implements for getting high: a simple joint does the job just as well as a three-chamber bong with ice compartments and detachable disco ball and has the added benefit of not looking like a middle-school science fair project. (In 30 years, no one will be immortalized on a Marley-style dorm room poster while coughing after a sweet vape.) That said, if you're going to nerd out, you might as well nerd out as hard as possible with this kit for making your own bong almost entirely out of actual ice.
If your friend insists on vaporizing his or her, erm, "dried herbs" and "essential oils," Grenco Science's G Slim line of vape pens are affordable and look kind of like the cigarettes Hunter Thompson used to smoke.
Alternately, just get them a big box of the classics. They will get you stoned!
How to say "I'll corner you for 25 minutes at a party talking about the interview where Panda Bear mentioned The Grateful Dead's influence on Animal Collective" without dealing with the unflattering fit and itchy fabric of a classic drug rug? Try these two stylish-ish updates from Urban Outfitters.
This 1977 horror film has trippy vintage video effects for days, a healthy amount of camp, and a mostly inscrutable plot. In other words, it is the perfect movie to watch when it's 3 a.m. on a Sunday and you're too high to go to bed. And now you've got a classic piece of Japanese cinema in your collection!
If your stoner's tastes run more goofy than artful, try this boxed trilogy from 1980s splatter auteurs Troma Entertainment. Class of Nuke 'Em High, the first installment, focuses on a group of high-schoolers who transform into superhuman zombies after smoking radioactive pot.
It's damned difficult to find a grinder that isn't adorned with a happy face, skull, weed leaf, or all of the above. This one, in plain black, is about as understated as it gets.
La Monte Young gets more play in academic music circles than he does in your hazy neighborhood basement, which is a little puzzling—just look at the vintage Hell's Angels look he's rocking on the cover of Jeremy Grimshaw's 2012 biography. Much of the last last half-century's druggiest sounds—from Can to Sonic Youth to Acid Mothers Temple—owe Young a considerable debt, and considering his famous aversion to recorded music, this is as good a way in to his legacy as any.
From two great Baltimore-based artists, a modern classic of psychedelic art and a stirring tribute to the films of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Just watch the YouTube.
Because as old and stuffy and boring as you've gotten over the years, these things never go out of style.
[Illustration by Tara Jacoby, Image via Shutterstock]