Barely competent pop star and less competent human being Chris Brown is the subject of a doozy of a Guardian profile (it's the one in which he brags about having lost his virginity at age 8). God, this guy is such a fucking asshole.

Writer Decca Aitkenhead sets the scene of their interaction at the Los Angeles studio where Brown recorded his upcoming X album: "Brown keeps his shades on, makes no eye contact and addresses his words to the mixing desk in front of us, though less due to rudeness, I think, than the elaborate protocol of cool." Yeah, well, rudeness and coolness are not mutually exclusive. She continues:

A lot of the time, his answers bear little, if any, relation to my questions. Or perhaps he's decided on two central points he wants to make, and figures everything else is irrelevant. The first point he makes several times is that his new album will appeal to everyone; the second is that he is a changed man who's grown up and calmed down. Unfortunately he's at his least coherent when discussing the former, and at his most contradictory on the latter. By the time I leave, all I can say with certainty is that Brown is a stranger to the concepts of modesty and consistency.

What follows is a series of barely coherent Brown-on-Brown musings that expose Brown's idiocy and, ultimately, the complete disingenuousness of the damage-control, changed-man angled media activity that Brown has engaged in for most of this year. Whenever it seems that the mass hatred of Brown is going a little too far (especially since he's, you know, black), this guy always pulls through and shows us through his entitlement, inability to accept accountability for seemingly anything, and his delusions of grandeur that he deserves almost every bit of flak he receives.

Ten quotes from Aitkenhead's piece to get you mad at Chris Brown all over again are ranked below:


He can't think of anything he's bad at, apart from "just being able to relax and sleep".


Now 24, he doesn't want to say how many women he's slept with: "But you know how Prince had a lot of girls back in the day? Prince was, like, the guy. I'm just that, today. But most women won't have any complaints if they've been with me. They can't really complain. It's all good."


"I think me being able to travel from the small town I was from, me already having a good IQ, and you know being intelligent, and regular stuff, I just had to learn more and more of the street life, you know, how to maneuver around a room full of wolves."


The album is called X because that's the Roman numeral for 10, he explains, so, "I just tried to give people something that would have more meaning, more depth", because his date of birth is 5.5.89, and if you add five plus five you get 10, "so it's like 8, 9, 10."


"I would really like to mean something to the world, instead of me just being this fungus." Hang on a minute: fungus? "Yeah, like the decay of society. I don't want to be the decay of society, I'd like to be the uplifting part."


"Community service, that shit is a bitch. I'll be honest – and you can quote me on that – that is a motherfucker there. For me, I think it's more of a power trip for the DA. I can speak freely now, because I don't really care what they say about it, but as far as, like, the 1,000 extra hours they gave me, that's totally fricking bananas."


"They want me to be the example. Young black kids don't have the fairer chances. You can see Lindsay Lohan in and out of court every day, you see Charlie Sheen, whoever else, do what they want to do. There hasn't been any incident that I started since I got on probation, even with the Frank Ocean fight, the Drake situation, all those were defence modes. People think I just walk around as the aggressor, this mad black guy, this angry, young, troubled kid, but I'm not. I'm more and more laid-back. It's just that people know if they push a button, it'll make more news than their music. Attaching themselves to me, good or bad, will benefit them."


He says his court-ordered 52-week program of anger management helped him learn to keep his temper. But then he adds, "I think the actual class I went to was a little bit sexist." What does he mean? "It was beneficial because it made me cater more to a woman's thoughts and a woman's needs, and how to handle situations. But the class itself, no disrespect to the class, but the class itself only tells you you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong." I ask him to elaborate, but he seems to check himself. "Well, I don't want to get too far into that."


“Well, I would say I'm an inspirational guidelines book. You can take my life story or scenarios or songs and relate to them, and apply them to your everyday life. You know, whether it be personal or musical, I just think I'm a walking art piece, just a ball of creativity.”


Suddenly he is sulky and petulant. "My favourite line is, 'Fuck you.' I like giving the world a big fuck you. Every tattoo I have is a big fuck you. So it's just, like, this is just me, and I'm the guy who's going to be just the same guy at all times."

And here's a bonus in case his nice-guyness didn't come through in that last one:

"No, I'm not going to walk around every day of my life depending on the opinions of other people. Because if I do that, I'll just be trying to please everybody and that's not what I'm here for." He glowers. "Just make music. If they like it, they like it. If they don't, fuck you."

[Image via Getty]