[UPDATE 12/16/14 9:22 a.m.]: As of late Monday evening, it was confirmed by the New York Observer that Mohammed Islam, alleged genius teen who had supposedly amassed $72 million by trading stocks, was actually a penniless liar who magnificently rolled everyone. "It's a total fiction?" Islam was asked. "Yes." Teens—still fucking everything up. The original fabricated story, below.

If we've learned anything in 2014, it's that teenagers are to be both feared and revered. In a profile published over at New York magazine, one 17-year-old New Yorker confirms that he made $72 million trading stocks during his lunch break at his high school. Someone please send help!!!! [Updated below.]

Mohammed Islam is the son of Bengali immigrants who live in Queens. He attends Stuyvesant High School in downtown Manhattan. And now he is richer than all of us by an unfathomable margin. The profile of Islam doesn't seem willing to explain where he got the money to begin investing (there is a mention of earning tutoring money when he was nine) but it does show that teens are just as ridiculous and spunky whether they have a few bucks allowance or $72 million in investments:

Mo, a cherubic senior with a goatee and slight faux-hawk, smiled shyly. "He's quiet today," said Patrick Trablusi, who was seated with Mo and Damir at a table littered with empty glasses. "Humble." And tired: "This is our third meeting of the day," Damir said, signaling to the waitress for another round. "We saw a real-estate agent, a lawyer, you …"

"Next we're going to see a hedge-fund guy," Patrick said. The friends locked eyes and started to giggle.

"He basically wants to give us $150 million," Mo explained, a blush like a sunset creeping over his cheeks.

The waitress arrived with a tray of green drinks. "Freshly squeezed apple juice," Damir said, passing them around. "It's very good. Do you like caviar?"

New York magazine confirmed that Islam's net worth is in the high eight figures. The teen made his money trading in oil and gold but he won't stop there. Though his parents won't let him move into his rented Manhattan apartment and he can't drive his newly purchased BMW (no driver's license just yet), Islam and his team of three teen Wall Street JV investors plan on starting a hedge fund together in a few months.

As they nobly point out, teens get the money:

"Money never sleeps!" Damir added. "That's from the Wall Street movie."

"It all comes down to this," Mo continued. "What makes the world go round? Money. If money is not flowing, if businesses don't keep going, there's no innovation, no products, no investments, no growth, no jobs."

What were you doing as a teenager hey don't answer that.

[UPDATE 12/15/14 5:21 pm]: Leaders Investors Club has released a statement regarding Islam's money, claiming that the number has been blown out of proportion:

It has been brought to the attention of the Leaders Investment Club that Mohammed Islam has been rumored to have made $72,000,000 through making trades in the stock market. After performing due diligence and talking with Mohammed Islam himself, we have determined that these claims are false and simply been blown up by the media in the interests of sensationalism. We hold all our members to exacting moral and investing standards, and ask Mohammed Islam to clear up all misinformation surrounding his claims, misconstrued or otherwise. The goal of Leaders Investment Club is to promote the financial education of Millennials, and we disavow affiliation with members who fail to promote accurate and transparent information.


The Leaders Investment Club Community

[Image via LinkedIn]