Apply to Work for al Qaeda Today!
Newly declassified documents from Osama bin Laden’s Abbottabad retirement compound show that al Qaeda’s rigorous HR department wasn’t just trolling LinkedIn for resumes—the terror organization had a formal application process. “Who should we contact in case you became a martyr?”
This “Instruction to Applicants,” translated and today declassified by the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, is a little bit Common App, a little bit Proust Questionnaire, and a little bit McDonald’s University, with a litany of questions to make sure you’re up to jihadi snuff.
Applicants were asked to provide some personal background (nicknames are welcome!) and core proficiencies. Language skills and extracurriculars are a big plus.
Highlights of the questionnaire include:
- Any hobbies or pastimes? __________________
- What is your favorite material: science or literature? ____________________
- Do you wish to execute a suicide operation? ___________________
- Do you have any chronic or hereditary disease(s)? ______________
And, like any good piece of paperwork, you’re asked to provide an emergency contact:
You can read the application in full below, and if you’re thinking of applying, please keep these guidelines in mind:
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Public PGP key
PGP fingerprint: E93A 40D1 FA38 4B2B 1477 C855 3DEA F030 F340 E2C7