Is Your Thanksgiving Turkey an Islamofascist?

John Cook · 11/21/11 03:38PM

Beware the turkey jihad! Unsuspecting families across Christian America will sit down to Thanksgiving dinner this week, completely unaware that they are about to feast on a bird that was slaughtered in accordance with Shariah law and will therefore give them Islamic cooties!

Peanut Butter Now Too Expensive for You

Hamilton Nolan · 10/10/11 09:11AM

Bad news for those of you planning to ride out this recession on a diet of peanut butter and jelly, spread atop tiny Saltine cracker "sandwiches," consumed by candlelight in the single dry corner of your leaky urban squat, as the howls of alley cats and junkies serenade you with the symphony of the night: peanut butter is now out of your price range.

Men: Your Laptop Is Probably Cooking Your Testicles

Jeff Neumann · 11/06/10 11:11AM

Ever wonder just how hot your balls get under your laptop? "Within 10 or 15 minutes their scrotal temperature is already above what we consider safe," says one doctor. Turns out that cooking your testicles is also bad for reproducing.

Lance Armstrong Wants to Comfort Your Balls

Daniel Barnum-Swett · 03/05/10 03:11PM

Marketing a revolutionary anti-chaffing product meant expressly for testicles might seem like an awkward endeavor, but not when Lance Armstrong and his single ball are on-board. The cycling champion joins DZ-NUTS' inventor in the struggle to salve all mankind's junk.

French Skiier Takes a Flagpole to the Nuts

Mike Byhoff · 02/25/10 09:55AM

It's one thing to get racked in the berries flying down a hill at 70 MPH, it's quite another for the announcer to add insult to injury with some hilarious commentary. Ohhh monsieuuuuuuur!


Hamilton Nolan · 02/04/10 04:12PM

The Way We Live Now: Unfulfilled. We can't enjoy our bonus check. We can't scam others. We're finally building casinos when nobody has the money to gamble. Worst of all, we may never know the taste of hot nuts again.

Hal Turner: America's Most Pitiful Man

Hamilton Nolan · 12/03/09 10:30AM

Harold "Hal" Turner, pitiful racist guy with an internet radio show, is living out a fantasy by being put on trial by the Feds for advocating the murder of judges. Which is less hardcore when you consider he's a snitch.