Urgent! Chet Hanks Needs Help Finishing His Final Paper

Lauri Apple · 12/05/11 07:08AM

A Northwestern University student-tipster who's enrolled in the same American history class as Chet Haze—the rapping, acting, West Side (of Evanston)-dominating consequence of Tom Hanks' potent ejaculate—passed along this email that Haze sent across a listserv at 4 AM this morning:

Watch Stephen Colbert's Hilarious Northwestern Commencement Speech

Matt Cherette · 06/17/11 05:56PM

This morning in Evanston, Illinois, Northwestern University's 2,800 graduating students gathered for commencement. On hand to give the commencement address? None other than alum Stephen Colbert of the class of '86, who delivered an uproarious 20-minute speech which squeezed in references to campus controversies like "Brothelgate" and a professor's infamous sex demonstration. It's embedded above for your enjoyment.

Northwestern Stops Offering a Minor in Fucksaw Sciences

Seth Abramovitch · 05/10/11 02:51AM

The fucksaw scandal that rocked Northwestern University to its very foundations, in which a psychology professor innocently hosted a demonstration of a motorized sex toy on a woman in front of 100 gape-jawed students, has reached its sad yet inevitable conclusion: Professor Michael Bailey's human sexuality class will no longer be offered at the school.

There Is a Worldwide Fucksaw Shortage

Hamilton Nolan · 03/08/11 01:08PM

Alert: It is now virtually impossible to buy a fucksaw. I know; I know. JT's Stockroom, which is apparently the world's leading and perhaps only supplier of genuine fucksaws ("You hold it like a gun, and drill into the ass or vagina with powerful and steady force"), is completely sold out: "Due to high demand, this item is temporarily unavailable. We apologize for any inconvenience. Please check back soon!"

Fucksaw Experts Defend Hot Live Fucksaw Demonstration

Hamilton Nolan · 03/04/11 03:58PM

The story of a Northwestern University professor's Hot Live Fucksaw demonstration for ten dozen rapt college students has captivated the nation and, indeed, the world. After Northwestern prez Morton Schapiro vowed to keep investigating until he got all the way to the bottom of this fucksaw business, it was time for those directly involved in the handling and care of the fucksaw in question to speak out on what really happened in there. From the owner of the fucksaw:

America's Greatest University Demonstrates 'Fucksaw' For Captivated Students

Hamilton Nolan · 03/02/11 01:29PM

Northwestern University simply cannot stop being awesome. From getting drunk and hollering about blowjobs to throwing blackface Halloween parties to producing a little rapper by the name of Chet Haze, Northwestern University never does anything less than the most awesome thing to do in any given situation. That's why regular schools have "Human Sexuality" classes, but Northwestern University has HOT LIVE FUCKSAW demonstrations:

Hard-Partying Northwestern Students Thwarted by 'Brothel Law'

Brian Moylan · 01/25/11 02:47PM

Evanston, Illinois, the home of Northwestern University, plans to start enforcing a "brothel law" that prevents more than three unrelated people from sharing a house or apartment. Why would they bother? To cut down on college parties, of course.

Tom Hanks' Son Is a Frat Boy Rapper

Hamilton Nolan · 01/12/11 11:27AM

Chet Hanks is the son of actor Tom Hanks. He attends Northwestern University. Chet Haze is "an up and coming MC...Born and raised on the West Side of the Westside's main city LA." Yes, he has a new Northwestern-themed single.