Political Reporters Know Nothing

Hamilton Nolan · 02/10/16 12:35PM

I just got back from several days in New Hampshire, attending political rallies across the state and observing thousands of voters in their natural habitat. What have I learned about what will happen in the presidential race? Nothing!

Marco Rubio Is Sorry For Being So Bad

Brendan O'Connor · 02/09/16 11:10PM

Robot Rubio apologized to his friends, family, and programmers on Tuesday night—following what looks to be an uninspiring fifth place finish—for having been such a mess at Saturday’s debate. “I did not do well on Saturday night,” he said. “That will never happen again.”

Here's President Trump's First Victory Speech

Ashley Feinberg · 02/09/16 11:02PM

After a loss that would have been infinitely more enjoyable (for us) if it had been at the hands of anyone but Ted Cruz, imminent President Donald Trump finally got to give his very first victory speech with 34 percent of the vote. And it was pretty much exactly what you’d expect.

Ashley Feinberg · 02/09/16 10:35PM

According to the Associated Press, Chris Christie is heading back to Jersey to “take a deep breath” and “take stock of [his] presidential bid.” As Christie’s beloved idol Bruce Springsteen would say: Great—who the hell needs Chris Christie.

Hillary Clinton Wants Hillary Clinton Out of Politics

Ashley Feinberg · 02/09/16 10:05PM

In tonight’s concession speech, Hillary Clinton made grand declarations of her desire to get all the dirty money and secret Wall Street influence the hell out of politics. Which is to say, Hillary Clinton really wants Hillary Clinton out of politics.

MSNBC's Chris Hayes Just Called Him "Bernie Sandwiches"

Ashley Feinberg · 02/09/16 09:07PM

Just a few minutes ago, MSNBC’s Chris Hayes offered some insight into exactly why Bernie Sandwiches was able to snag New Hampshire so handily. Delicious, delicious Bernie Sandwiches.

The Clinton Campaign Expected to Get Trounced in New Hampshire, Isn't Worried About It

Brendan O'Connor · 02/09/16 09:00PM

Not long after it became abundantly clear that Bernie Sanders would handily win Tuesday’s primary, in New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager, Robby Mook, released a memo to “interested parties” explaining very deliberately and carefully why the former Secretary of State has nothing to worry about, nothing at all.

Can You Decipher Karl Rove's Mysterious Cryptogram?

Ashley Feinberg · 02/09/16 08:39PM

While some networks (including Fox News) prefer to rely on human-sized iPads and holograms of a young Reagan to read the night’s primary results, still-frozen Thanksgiving turkey Karl Rove has chosen to go a different route. More specifically, the Zodiac Killer route.

Here's Some of What We Learned From Tonight's New Hampshire Exit Polls

Brendan O'Connor · 02/09/16 07:40PM

Well folks, it’s that lovely election night limbo after the polls have begun to close and before anyone actually knows anything, and so instead we have to look at exit polls! Exit polls are only ever indicative of bad things. How bad? Let’s find out.

Racist New Hampshire Voters Probably Going Trump

Ashley Feinberg · 02/09/16 07:10PM

According a CBS exit poll, a vast majority of Republican New Hampshire voters support at least a *temporary* blanket ban on all Muslim immigrants. Which is to say, a vast majority of New Hampshire Republicans are pretty racist and probably voting Trump.