Dick Cheney's Personal Death Squads Not Worth Asking About

Ryan Tate · 03/15/09 08:41PM

Hey, CNN: You've got a long sit-down with Dick Cheney. Would you like to maybe ask him about the newly-revealed assassination squads that reported directly to him, bypassing all military commanders?

The New Yorker's Seymour Hersh just spilled the beans on the roving killer team in Minnesota, leaving everyone terrified, as the investigative reporter tends to do, since he's constantly revealing, accurately, various secret horrors.

CNN First to Kill News 'Crawl'

Ryan Tate · 12/21/08 07:38PM

Like Rudolph Giuliani, the news crawl was great on 9/11 but was soon useless and despised. Now CNN is killing it, and hopefully Fox News will too, if the Simpsons mock them again.

War on Christmas Hits France!

Pareene · 12/16/08 10:15AM

Bomb in Paris Department Store leaves secular godless French baffled—how much more coddling do these terrorists need?

Tricky Terrorists Admit Terrorizing

Pareene · 12/08/08 02:05PM

In the battle against global terror, ridiculously childish reverse psychology remains one of the most powerful weapons. It is used both by the enemy—al-Qaeda totally doesn't want you to reelect Bush, that would be terrible for them!—and, increasingly, by us. So five Guantanamo detainees have all confessed to plotting 9/11, but we totally aren't accepting their confessions, at all. Because that's just what they want.

Bush Also Pardons Eagle-Killer

Pareene · 11/25/08 09:51AM

In 1996, Leslie Owen Collier pleaded guilty to killing three bald eagles. Naturally, President Bush has just pardoned him. Back in 1995, Collier, some sort of rabble-rousing anarchist farmer, crushed pesticides into delicious hamburger meat and left it outside to kill any adorable little animals that might cross his path. Naturally, after killing a red-tailed hawk, a great horned owl, an opossum, and a raccoon, three majestic Bald Eagles partook in some left-over poison hamburger, and promptly died. The Bald Eagle is our nation's bold fresh mascot, like the Pillsbury Doughboy of not getting tread upon. Naturally, the eagle was nearly extinct within 200 years of the founding of our nation, and it's been a crime to "kill" them since the 1940s. Why would Bush pardon this cold-blooded freedom-killer? Well! According to an anti-American "natural history" site hosted on Canadian servers, the Bald Eagle is not so much of a majestic predator, swooping down and pecking to death our nation's many enemies, but really more of a lazy scavenger, subsisting mainly on "what it finds cast onto the shore." So the Bald Eagle is the Original Lazy Welfare Queen of the Skies, which is why Bush pardoned this brave hero.

On Fox, Internet Hoax Repeated By Pakistani President

Ryan Tate · 10/02/08 06:56AM

Pakistan's new president, Asif Ali Zardari, had some amazing stories to tell Fox News' Greta Van Susteren Tuesday. He might have even impressed viewers with the one about how his late wife, former prime minister Benazir Bhutto, called President George H.W. Bush in 1988 to complain about the destabilizing influence of Osama bin Laden, with whom Bush was supposedly unfamiliar. But Zardari then shot his credibility to hell by following up with a story about how Lt. Col. Ollie North, ringleader of the Iran-Contra scandal, also warned about bin Laden in the late 1980s, in testimony to the U.S. senate. Very not true!

The Worst 'Wall Street Crisis' Report Ever (So Far)

Pareene · 09/19/08 05:09PM

"Trinity Church, which became an emotional refuge amid the fallout at ground zero, is offering services to its neighbors during a time of crisis: free spiritual and psychological counseling for workers who have been affected by the current Wall Street financial turmoil." Oh ha, it's the 9/11 of bankers getting fired! Will the free spiritual counseling encourages downtown assholes to renounce materialism or something? (Is that likely from the this particular church?) More: "And because they are typically measured by the size of their paychecks - bonuses, in particular - their self-worth is deeply threatened when the money evaporates." Words fail! Anyway. Free counseling! As usual, self-medication is by necessity self-financed. So far that's not stopping anyone!

Try A Tough 9/11 Quiz Sarah Palin Would Totally Fail Worse Than You!

Moe · 09/11/08 03:21PM

Seven years after terrorists attacked New York and Washington in a stunning feat of gargantuan destruction that instilled a seemingly permanent sense of fear in Americans pretty much everywhere except New York and DC, we at Gawker have not forgotten to never forget! And guess what, there is a very difficult new quiz up on MSNBC that five of us just took to prove it! We even beat Wonkette. Come, try failing it yourself! And then see which Gawker editors you most resemble in the Rage of the Creative Underclass Curve:Pareene and I both scored 60%, because he is a genius and I was a journalist then. (All journalists covered nothing but 9/11 until January 2002; it was like Sarah Palin but with anthrax too.) (Also, remember Ashleigh Banfield? Just saying.) Richard got 50%, because he is secretly a genius. Jim Newell of Wonkette got 40%, because he is a child genius whose contemporaries were barely reading that Pet Goat book* in 2001 and Sheila got 40% because she was late to theater class and thought people were describing the plot of some wack ass movie. Ryan Tate got 20% because his mind is filled with information and data points that are actually usable in blog posts. [MSNBC]

Have a Very MSNBC 9/11

Pareene · 09/11/08 08:57AM

MSNBC is replaying, in real time, its coverage of 9/11. Happy anniversary, New York! Relive the magic! Apparently Keith "no responsible newsroom plays this graphic footage anymore" Olbermann does not actually have a stranglehold on that cable news network. No one watched MSNBC's coverage on that terrible day, of course, so it's like a special alternate angle or deleted scene on the 9/11 Special Edition DVD. Tune in and experience it again, for the very first time. [Unrelated]

McCain Ticket's Reversal On Family Matters

Ryan Tate · 09/04/08 02:35AM

Vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin has reason to be proud of her son Track, 19 of whom she spoke at length at the Republican National Convention. Track will be deployed to Iraq on Sept. 11, Palin informed the crowd (and the press) last night, while her nephew Casey is already serving on an aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf. But Palin mentioned her family's military service by way of explaining her strong support for her running mate John McCain, and in so doing broke sharply with the presidential candidate and veteran's own, much-acclaimed policy on refusing to discuss, and thus benefit from, his own son's military service in Iraq. She also opened herself up to more discussion of her unwed daughter's pregnancy, heretofore characterized as off-limits because it involved Palin's children.

Remember 9/11 With Pure Liberian Silver

Hamilton Nolan · 07/25/08 01:06PM

Have you been searching for just the right way to commemorate the 9/11 disaster? Are kitschy figurines and patriotic truck decals and screaming eagle t-shirts just not doing it for you? The solution has arrived: genuine non-circulated Liberian currency in the shape of a $20 bill—but made out of .999 pure silver, and picturing the once-mighty Twin Towers, and bearing a "9" and and "11" on one side which cleverly add up to $20, which is also the price of this unique and patriotic (USA) item. Here is an ad for this treasure that will simply make you say "wtf." Click to watch right now.