Neel Kashkari, the current Minneapolis Fed president and former Goldman Sachs banker who led the US Treasury’s bank bailout program in 2008, says that major banks are still “Too Big to Fail,” and that we should consider breaking them up. I’m sick of these crazy ideas from radicals who don’t understand Wall Street.
Neel Kashkari, the at-the-time little-known Goldman Sachs banker who was put in charge (by Treasury Secretary and former Goldman Sachs CEO Hank Paulson) of the Troubled Asset Relief Program (that is, the bank bailouts) in 2008, has been named the new president of the Minneapolis Federal Reserve Bank.
In 2008, when the global economy collapsed, the Bush administration hilariously appointed 30-something Republican ski bum and Ferrari-loving Goldman Sachs alum Neel Kashkari as our nation's "bailout czar." It was America's worst job, and everyone hated him. He fled as soon as reasonably possible for the friendlier confines of private enterprise.
• At least six of the 19 largest U.S. banks will require additional capital, according to the results of the stress tests conducted by regulators. [BN]
• The U.S. economy took a tumble in the first quarter, with gross domestic product dropping at a 6.1 percent annual rate. [BN, WSJ]
• Citigroup has asked the Treasury department for permission to pay bonuses to a number of key employees. No word on how much or to whom. [WSJ]
• Meanwhile, Citi is looking to raise additional capital now that the bank came up short on its recent stress test. [DB]
• Daniel Bouton, the chairman of Societe General, is stepping down. [WSJ]
• Lazard posted a first quarter loss, and says it plans to cut jobs. [Reuters]
• Neel Kashkari's last day at work is Friday. Don't forget to send a gift! [DB]
♦ A bruising day in the markets is expected to follow the scary job news this morning: Employers slashed 533,000 jobs last month, making it the most jobs lost in a single month since December of 1974. [CNN]
♦ Merrill Lynch shareholders will vote on the bank's merger with Bank of America today. [DB]
♦ Things are getting worse for hedge fund king Ken Griffin: His Citadel Investment Group was down another 13% in November. [WSJ]
♦ Neel Kashkari says the TARP is working; he and Hank Paulson may be the only ones. [Bloomberg]
♦ Citi has closed on the sale of its German subsidiary to Credit Mutuel-CIC for $6.6 billion. [MW]
Oh we see how it is. First we make Republican ski bum and national bailout chief Neel Kashkari a total object of desire by showing you how Ferrari-tastic he was in high school. Then People magazine goes and names him one of the sexiest guys in the world. And now, Details has named Neel #2 on their "Power List," if you can imagine "Details" and "Power" together in the same sentence. Kashkari kopykats are going krazy! We saw him first. That means we're first in line for some of that sweet bailout money in 09, baby. [Details; pic by ineffable.me]
Hey ladies: how'd you like to meet a guy with $700 billion in his pocket, a gleaming bald pate, and a memory full of Bernie Kosar quotes? Sexy is spelled N-E-E-L! Last name Kashkari! Our favorite steely-eyed Treasury Dept. appointee and Congressional chew toy is on People's list of Sexiest Men Alive—actually he's on the backup list, "Sexy A-Z." Even People couldn't get anything other than the same fucking straight-ahead staring pose that he's been using forever. Neel, how about frolicking merrily on a pile of $100 bills instead? Is our Republican financial overlord really as sexy as dance studio owner Maksim Chmerkovskiy? Click through for Neel's close-up and decide for yourself!
Just because Treasury Dept. Bailout wonderboy Neel Kashkari gets to play with $750 billion in taxpayer money doesn't mean he actually has a good job. He came in looking peppy enough to bore holes in a taxpayer's forehead with only the power of his laser eyebeams; now, he's haggard. His eyes are dazed, plaintive even, and he's putting on classic stress-related weight under his chin. Congressmen yell at him. Old high school teachers talk shit about him. Internet jerks mock his awesome senior yearbook page. And he's really just a front man, taking all the heat for Hank Paulson's decisions and the mistakes of a million greedy Wall Street traders before him. We feel more sympathy for him than any other Ferrari-loving overconfident Republican ski bum Wharton grad in America. Keep on truckin, Neel.
Wow, here's a clip that doesn't make you envy Neel Kashkari. The hawk-eyed Ferrari lover who's been assigned to run the government bailout of our dead financial system took a little trip up to Capitol Hill today to speak to Congress about how all that money is being used. Rep. Elijah Cummings did not appreciate Neel's tone! "Let me tell YOU something," he hollered at Neel, whose eyes went wide. He recovered well though. Neel, you are one unlucky sacrificial lamb, buddy. Watch the rage of Cummings below:
Neel Kashkari, where has your steely-eyed charm gone? When the Ferrari-loving young Republican banker took on the post as our nation's new Head of All Money, we had such high hopes for him. His eagle-like visage commanded respect; his brash overconfidence meant he was destined for greatness. But yesterday the markets tanked after his first big speech, and now the media is grumbling about his performance. Neel, what's wrong? Allow us to help, my rich bald friend. The Post says reporters and finance people alike were pissed yesterday because he only answered two or three questions, and those with "a tone of impatience." And how do you expect to excite the markets with a speech like this?:
The skittish stock market rose early this morning, but finished down 73 points, despite the best efforts of Neil "Ferrari" Kashkari, the Republican ski bum in charge of our government's Wall Street bailout package. Neel had a press conference this morning where he explained to everyone why the government is sinking $40 billion more into failed insurer AIG. Then he said "our capital markets are fragile." The market fell for the rest of the day. Dude, come on! How about a motivational phrase? Here's one we know you're familiar with:
Neel Kashkari is the intense young man tapped by the Treasury Department to lead our nation's financial bailout. The national media could paint only the most basic picture of him: a high-achieving Republican ski bum who rose quickly from Wharton to Goldman Sachs to, today, a position of national import. But guess what, friends: we have obtained Neel's 1991 senior high school yearbook page. Yes, the same page that a former teacher at Neel's school told us truly reveals his egocentric, douchebag nature. And it is epic. Rush quotes! Bush quotes! And the infamous Ferrari! Luxuriate in the awesomeness of our savior: