The Secret to Long Life: Garlic, Onions, Rotten Eggs

Hamilton Nolan · 02/19/13 11:56AM

Want to live longer? Pathetic. Your slavish determination to cling to mortality at all costs marks you as a weak and sickening little character. Anyhow—have we got a long life secret for YOU! Stank breath.

Taco Bell Now Offering Morning Meal of Space Food and Semen Nuggets

Hamilton Nolan · 01/27/12 10:02AM

Taco Bell is not going to be serving breakfast. That would be gross. Taco Bell is serving First Meal. It's the meal that comes after Fourth Meal. It's a meal that you eat at about the same time that you would eat breakfast, but which bears no resemblance to the "food" that normal humans would consume, for "breakfast." Observe:

The McRib Is Back, You Beasts

Hamilton Nolan · 10/24/11 09:12AM

Once upon a time, McDonald's sold a nasty porkish meat sandwich called the McRib, featuring all of the entrails that fell on the floor of the slaughterhouse pressure-formed into a pleasing "rib" shape. The McRib's variegated bouquet of grease flavor and resemblance to a bloody giant slug corpse naturally made it a "cult favorite," meaning "staple of the American diet." Now it is back. You greasy, greasy bastards.

Old People Are Using the Internet to Do the Nasty

Hamilton Nolan · 10/06/11 10:34AM

While American society has traditionally eschewed the practice of setting elderly people adrift on floating chunks of ice, we have embraced the next best thing: sequestering old people in their own buildings, communities, or suburbs, and ignoring them completely. Who knows, or cares, what they are up to? We prefer to focus on the youthful and ostensibly sexually available people pictured on the teevee.

Nothing Can Stop the Nasty Beetle Invasion

Hamilton Nolan · 09/29/11 04:40PM

Beetle colors! Beetle invasion! Clam fish! Beetle fighting! Beetle resignation! Beetle fear! Beetle immigration! Penguin smell! And beetle beetle beetles all up in your house! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—creepily!

Nobody Likes Miller Lite

Hamilton Nolan · 08/03/11 11:10AM

Bad news, people who go to the store with the express purpose of purchasing Miller Lite™ brand beer: Ad Age reports that Miller Lite is growing steadily less popular. And during the "all-important summer beer-selling season"!

'Tarantula Invasion' Has Northern Britain On Edge

Jeff Neumann · 07/28/10 04:35AM

A pair of Chilean Rose tarantulas were found separately in backyards in northern Britain recently, and people are getting nervous. So what's the big deal about a couple of furry spiders? They spit hairs into people's eyes and blind them.

The Time 5WPR Had a Nasty Ladies Room

Hamilton Nolan · 12/16/09 02:32PM

It's a Christmas miracle: a tipster has forwarded us a historic May, 2007 internal staff email from our favorite public relations powerhouse, 5WPR. It seems someone (ladies) could not keep the poop flushed and the tampons put away properly.

Not An Organ Donor? Maybe This Pile Of Eyeballs Will Convince You

Hamilton Nolan · 06/11/08 04:14PM

When you're advertising potentially nasty medical-related products or causes, take a cue from the pharmaceutical industry. Those guys can make an ad for Irritable Bowel Syndrome treatment look like a beloved home movie. On the other end of the sensitivity spectrum is this ad from Thailand's Red Cross , urging people to donate their eyes when they die so that others may see. Good cause. But my god, is a huge dump site full of wasted, disembodied eyeballs really the best way to get your message across? (No). The horrifically misguided full ad is below—not for the squeamish.

Traumatized Fox News Employee Sues Over Bedbug Attacks

Hamilton Nolan · 05/28/08 12:07PM

The victims of the Fox News bedbug infestation are fighting back! Former Fox employee Joan Clark has filed a lawsuit claiming that she has post-traumatic stress disorder from being attacked by bedbugs multiple times at the Fox News headquarters. She says she was bitten by the voracious creatures last October, last November, and just last month. She even claims that her entire department was relocated in a futile attempt to escape the bloodsucking insects! The building owner and maintenance company are named in the lawsuit, and Clark has filed a Worker's Comp claim against News Corp. itself. The full press release detailing her suit is below. We've contacted Fox (which may already be planning its revenge) and Clark's lawyer's for further info. THIS STORY IS FAR FROM OVER.