abalk · 07/13/07 12:29PM

"You know, a penis is more than a phallic symbol made flesh. It's a warm, life-sized attachment that serves a number of utilitarian purposes, too, and over time develops its own wry personality and quirks, or so it can seem to its owner." Looks like Vanity Fair's James Wolcott is trying to get into the anthropomorphized penis business. Guess what, Wolcott? There's only one cock in these parts, and it's Mine. Back the fuck off before it cuts you a new peehole. [VF]

Our Expert Assesses Cosmo's 10 Hottest Sex Tips

abalk · 07/11/07 10:57AM

The Post has a little fun at Cosmo's expense today, listing ten of the magazine's most common "boundary-pushing moves" and asking a collection of New York men how they feel about the sex tips. Not consulted? Our very own resident "sexpert" My Cock. We ran the list by him and got his reaction.

'Details': Is It All Right To Make Her Take It Up The Butt?

abalk · 07/09/07 02:40PM

Good question, Details! We asked our resident sexual etiquette expert. "Absolutely not," says My Cock. "Beg, wheedle, cajole, whatever you need to do. But a true gentleman never demands. Of course, that's not to say that you can't buy a certain pill and make her slightly more receptive. Nah, I'm kidding - it's flat-out wrong. As wrong as the image Details used for this story. Seriously, shouldn't that be a man butt? Anyway, if you are lucky enough to be granted the favor of anal congress, it's only polite to shove a dozen roses in that train tunnel once you're done."

abalk · 07/09/07 01:50PM

"Will Fred Thompson's hot-ass wife prove a liability or an asset on the campaign trail? As someone whose nads had yet to drop until well into the Reagan administration but who still gets the occasional rise out of Rosalynn Carter fantasies, I can only issue my whole-shafted endorsement. Chick has got it going on." [NYT]

abalk · 07/09/07 11:52AM

"So let's be honest: You know there's some couple out there that has already spiced up their sex life by performing the Peter Braunstein fantasy. You can almost hear the conversation: "C'mon, baby, I'll get the smoke bombs and the fireman outfit; it'll be so hot!" And her resigned reply: "Okay, but you have to buy me two bottles of Cristal." Also: Even money on the possibility that at least one of them works in the fashion industry."

MySpace Founder Will Once Again Be Thwarted By Rupert Murdoch

abalk · 07/02/07 08:37AM

Meet Brad Greenspan, the 34-year-old L.A. player who won't be the next owner of Dow Jones but, since there's not a lot of other news going on concerning Rupert Murdoch's close-to-inevitable takeover of the company, is probably worth a quick profile. Greenspan was a co-founder of MySpace (although, the Times reports, "there are fundamental disagreements over his role in the company, as there are over other aspects of his career") and objected to News Corp.'s acquisition of the social networking site, claiming (presciently) that the company was worth far more than the bid accepted. Greenspan's something of a character, and even though My Cock has a better chance of buying the Wall Street Journal than he does (it's bidding $63 a share with guarantees of balls-off full editorial independence policy), there's something fairly charming about his cranky episodes.

Gawker's Best Posts Of 2007

abalk · 06/27/07 12:21PM

As the folks over at CBS's Public Eye note, summer is the season of the list. (The article functions as a collection of lists itself, which is probably intentional.) Why is this the case? Well, nothing happens between Memorial Day and Labor Day, and lazy journalists need to fill space. This problem also affects bloggers, who are even lazier than journalists. Inspired by Jon Friedman's contribution to the genre ("The biggest media stories of 2007 are ..."), we decided to make a list of our own biggest stories this year, as judged by a special correspondent.

Times Square Turns Rumptastic

abalk · 06/25/07 01:19PM

We've got good news for those of you who enjoy massive posteriors. (And who doesn't?) AdAge reports that a toilet manufacturer "will unveil a giant two-story billboard wrapped around three sides of a Times Square building. And on that billboard will be giant two-storied rears, smiling down on the city." Brightens everyone's day, right? But wait, it gets better!

Nashville Calling

abalk · 06/25/07 12:15PM

You catch that Arts & Leisure piece on Toby Keith and Brad Paisley in this weekend's Times? Turns out these country music stars are making a fortune while indulging in a fondness for bad puns. We're not exactly sure why this is news—country music has trafficked in lousy jokes since long before "She Got the Goldmine (I Got the Shaft)"—but no matter: If there's money to be made we want a piece of it. We spent the morning writing a country song of our own; if any music legends out there need a career-resuscitating hit, drop us a line! And there's plenty more where this came from! You're in for a treat!

There Is Mystery Associated With Angelina Jolie!

abalk · 06/21/07 02:40PM

"This picture brings up a lot of things about portraiture", says Director of Photography Amy Steigbigel. "It's a collaboration between photographer and subject. Who decided she was going to be blindfolded, how was this choice made? There is mystery associated with Angelina Jolie. Why is she wearing that blindfold? What is the meaning of that blindfold? It creates conflict right off the bat."

Must Straight Men Be Manscaped?

abalk · 06/20/07 10:16AM

Manscaping: According to Simon Doonan, it's an epidemic amongst our city's movers and shakers. The depilatory procedure, "known among practitioners as 'back, sack and crack,' ...concerns male hetero hair removal. Yes, below the waist. Eeeeeuw!" Our feelings exactly, compounded with fear: Do we really have to go out and get our short-and-curlies tweezed away? Because, seriously, you could make wigs for every resident of Staten Island and have plenty left over for blankets and handkerchiefs. To get to the bottom (haha, get it?) of this whole sordid business, we checked in with the ladies of Jezebel.