Public Denied Its Rightful Claim To Historic Celebrity-Political Sex Scandal

Hamilton Nolan · 04/15/08 11:52AM

Something that our modern age is not equipped to process: a man paying millions for a high-profile sex tape of a famous star, only to keep the thing secret. No special downloads available for $29.95. No DVDs, Cinemax licensing fees, or posters. But that's exactly what an anonymous and principled oddball memorabilia collector did this week when he paid $1.5 million for a 15-minute tape of tragically deceased starlet Marilyn Monroe giving a blow job to an unidentified man—who just might be tragically deceased president John F. Kennedy!

Symbolic Nature Of Rich Woman's Garbage Disaster Escapes The Media

Hamilton Nolan · 02/28/08 09:45AM

Joanna Cutler, a rich real estate broker who lives in the opulent Plaza hotel, found herself trapped in a garbage room in the palatial building for seven hours last week, only steps away from her luxurious apartment. She had left her apartment unlocked, and the thought of someone walking in and stealing her precious Faberge egg tortured her during her accidental confinement. Sadly, none of the obvious universal, karmic, philosophical implications of this situation were recognized by the rich lady herself. Or the New York Post.

Internets, Gays, Celebrities: Three Things That Will Destroy Your Family This Valentine's Day

Pareene · 02/13/08 12:29PM

The American Family is Under Attack. Homosexuals, liberals, Europeans, celebrities, immigrants—all seek to undermine our nation's moral code. Marriage, parenthood, even chaste teenage courtship are embattled and probably doomed. Movies about children having children out of wedlock, gays trying to marry gays, and wife-stealing media moguls are just symptoms of a deeper moral rot in our culture. Here, we present to you, exclusively, three of the greatest dangers to your family unit that you are sure to face this February—and beyond!