Dolphins Win, Every Time

Richard Lawson · 10/03/11 10:26AM

Against the odds, a feel-good story about a fish of some sort beat all the competitors this weekend. Meanwhile baseball is more popular than cancer, though cancer is respectably popular.

Brad Pitt Devoured by Lions

Richard Lawson · 09/26/11 10:27AM

The lions of Pride Rock reigned supreme again this week — even golden lion-human Brad Pitt couldn't dethrone them. And Pitt was almsot defeated by a dolphin as well. What do the animals have against Brad Pitt??

Everyone Loves to Blame Gwyneth Paltrow

Richard Lawson · 09/12/11 09:50AM

On a slow weekend, a movie about a disease disaster started by Gwyneth Paltrow reigned supreme. Also this weekend, mixed martial arts made a wan debut, The Help continued to rage on, and a few people saw a strange movie.

Ashton Kutcher Is All Your Fault

Richard Lawson · 01/24/11 11:49AM

Cinema's most annoying actor is absolutely your fault, because you keep going to see movies that he is in! Stop doing that! But please keep going to see The King's Speech, because that makes us look good.

The Western Shall Rise Again

Richard Lawson · 01/03/11 11:18AM

Now that True Grit is a bona fide smash hit, we can expect to see a lot more Westerns in the future. We cannot, however, expect to see a lot more Fockers movies. Those are probably done.

Witherspoon's Withering Weekend

Richard Lawson · 12/20/10 11:17AM

Ms. Reese had a bit of a bad stumble this weekend, her glossy new romantic comedy stalling out at the box office. The new TRON, however, did well as expected, while two smaller indies continue to surge.

Natalie Portman Is a Great Big Shining Star

Richard Lawson · 12/13/10 12:25PM

Like so much else this weekend, the box office was a complete disaster! Everything was ruined, including a beloved franchise and the careers of two beloved actors. All is rot and ash now, so let's sift through it.

Hot Lesbian Ballerina Sex Surprisingly Lucrative at the Box Office

Richard Lawson · 12/06/10 11:21AM

Who knew! We're certainly shocked. But not more shocked than when we heard that Tangled managed to beat Harry Potter in the slow-ish post-Thanksgiving weekend. That's a big deal! As big a deal as Burlesque? Uh, no. Definitely bigger.

Americans Would Rather See Hermione & Harry Naked Than Jake & Annie

Richard Lawson · 11/29/10 10:37AM

Despite being weighed down by heaps of cranberry sauce and Brussels sprouts (those are everyone's favorite Thanksgiving foods, right?), people managed to haul themselves out to the multiplexes to do their American duty this weekend. And they mostly wanted fantasy.

Despite Egregious Nudity, Harry Potter Charms Big Time

Richard Lawson · 11/22/10 11:17AM

As expected, the Boy Who Lived raked in oodles of galleons over the weekend, and ought to broom-fly well through Thanksgiving on a raft of positive word-of-mouth. The rest of the movies this weekend? They mostly cowered in fear.

Rachel McAdams Not As Beloved As We Thought

Richard Lawson · 11/15/10 10:49AM

This was your weekend to let her know you love her, and you chose not to, America. You chose not to. Instead you went to the cartoon movie and the one about a murder train.

Everyone Has Reached Climax With Torture Porn

Richard Lawson · 11/01/10 10:23AM

It's true. We're all sweaty, breathing heavily, and done. Just finished. Fitting that everything came to an end on Halloween weekend. A weekend full of other terrors.

Everyone's Favorite Jackasses Totally Ball-Punched by Handycam Ghosts

Richard Lawson · 10/25/10 09:21AM

Now, the Jackasses still did pretty well. But man oh man, those closed-circuit demon-spirits really walked away with it this weekend. You moviegoers are an ever-trend-consuming tribe, you are. Always on to the next reality TV show-esque movie.