No wonder Lara Logan was so cranky on The Daily Show—she's preggers! Logan, the CBS war correspondent whose well-deserved promotion to CBS' chief foreign affairs correspondent was overshadowed by all this homewrecking nonsense, is now safely in Washington and expecting a child with Joseph Burkett, the contractor she famously carried on an affair with while stationed in Baghdad. The scoop comes from Washington Post "media critic" Howard Kurtz, which is funny, because he is generally useless and was all hand-wringy about how tabloidy this story was last week. Funny how a little exclusive can change a guy's mind, right? More passionate wartime forbidden love, below.
Though Museum of the Moving Image honoree Tom Cruise escaped a NY dinner celebrating his cinematic accomplishments without being mercilessly roasted by his important friends (apparently, nobody there could be bothered to bring their best "Hitler haircut" or "he who smelt the mystery fart, dealt it" material), a former co-star did manage to shock the event's attendees with this disturbing anecdote from the set of Magnolia, as reported by Rush & Molloy:
In a refreshing change from the depressing procession of portraits of early-childhood neglect and despair recently adorning the magazine's covers, Us Weekly switches gears to spotlight the development of Suri Cruise, Hollywood's Happiest-Seeming Toddler™. But while raising an 18-month-old genetically engineered by Scientology's top baby-fabricating technicians to unquestioningly obey its parental custodians might seems like an easy task, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes still find themselves needing the guidance contained in Dianetics Chapter XVII Sec (c), "On the Emotional Maintenance and Discipline of Your New Child-Unit." Says Us:
One year ago on this very day, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced the birth of their first biological daughter, Suri Cruise, the truly miraculous physical manifestation of their awe-inspiring love and, perhaps more importantly, the proof of concept for the highly experimental baby-fabrication techniques that will one day allow the Church of Scientology's leading genetic engineers to populate an entire Celebrity Centre at the hub of a remote Pacific island colony with workers directly produced from Cruise's DNA.
In a suspiciously detailed item that we're sure was not in any way supplied by the baby boutique supposedly offering an estimate (website here! map here!) to decorate a nursery for a possibly forthcoming Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes offspring, TMZ reports that a Team Cruise design-drone was "overheard" discussing plans for a new clone-rearing chamber for the Cruise compound:
· Please take a few minutes to allow a tag team of the Fonz and Henry Winkler (how'd they do that?) educate you about sexual abuse. You might think you're too old to benefit, but if nothing else, maybe your inner child will be saved from a scarring encounter with your inner handsy uncle. [via Fast Hugs]
· Jake Gyllenhaal's personal secrets to becoming famous, revealed!
· Please, we beg of you, don't view this video of the Clippers' Shaun Livingston injuring his knee. Trust us, don't watch it. Just don't. We're not kidding. Go watch some moose ball instead.
· The Big Pussy jokes really do write themselves.
· Suri Cruise is not only real, but really cute! Also, it took Tom's genetic engineers about forty tries before they produced a clone that could do that adorable pointing thing with the left index finger.
Over the weekend, a sharp-eyed reader, somehow not completely numbed into sensory failure by the recent proliferation of election season TV ads, noticed a striking similarity between a baby in a commercial for Prop 87 and Suri Cruise, the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes offspring suspiciously withheld from public view for several agonizing months following her alleged date of birth. A trio of possibilities instantly present themselves: a) a politically sympathetic Cruise lent his daughter to the cause (or, perhaps, is putting her to work to help fund his next movie project); b) the Prop 87 folks used the same casting agency employed by Cruise for the Vanity Fair cover shoot, who mistakenly supplied the same talent despite his insistence that the infant be permanently retired at the conclusion of the VF gig; c) all adorable newborns wearing fashion-forward baby toupees look alike.
With so many different creatures from the mothership from which to choose, it could take forever for little Suri Cruise's Church-sanctioned OT-IV to select a Halloween costume that befits the blossoming seed of Scientology's future. So the folks at Heavy.com — who so recently helped us piss away a work day turning Mel Gibson into a Pope-hatted leather daddy — have provided us all a way to warm the cockles of our sooty hearts by playing Xenu with her wardrobe. Personally [Ed.note—Personally!], we enjoyed decking Suri out in Alf's full-body fur, Marvin the Martian's tutu, ET's finger, and a conehead — our tone scale shot clear up to the 35-and-over levels thinking about how adorable she's going to look when Katie Holmes and twenty-five handlers (opting not to change out of their usual sailor costumes—such killjoys) take her door-to-door at the Celebrity Centre to collect delicious, Hubbard-approved treats.
If you're struggling with the epic decision of what Hallowe'en costume to wear this year — slutty schoolgirl, slutty pirate wench, Paris Hilton... too many options! — then let the kind folks at Celebrity Baby Blog make your life easier. They've sifted through the annals of Hollywood parentage and come up with a short list of which stars and their progeny might make timely costumes, either to deploy with the aid of an actual child, or for you to force upon your most gullible, easily influenced friends.
We may have gotten a little caught up in spotlighting Tom Cruise's career slump lately, as his second act as an NFL mascot and amusement park greeter somehow seem beneath a man once considered the biggest box office star in the world. But we'd never impugn his credentials as a tastemaker; his fashion-forward decision to single-handedly revive the long-dormant Baby Toupee sensation by having ostensible biological daughter Suri wear one on the cover of Vanity Fair has touched off a craze that's quickly overtaking the world. And to his credit, the proud father has once again proven his admirable reluctance to cash in on his offspring by not authorizing the mass manufacture of The Suri, content to be a trendsetter instead of a cynical, opportunistic entrepreneur.
· Publicity-loving online gambling concern Golden Palace shells out ten grand for Suri Cruise's bronzed baby poop, which can now take its rightful place among the site's other pop curios, like the Britney Spears Pregnancy Test, William Shatner's Kidney Stone, and the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich.
Utter Wonder doodles a dramatic reenactment of Britney Spears' recent childbirth.
Everyone keeps fixating on the talking vagina sketch, but Damon Wayans' new show is about so much more than that.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's boundless love inspires some of the most touching cybersquatting we've ever seen.
Lonelygirl's creators are unmasked, and surprise! They're aspiring filmmaker types. We love twist endings like that.
· A trio of Vanity Fair alternate covers, in Dennehy, Grey, and Cracked Etch-A-Sketch flavors.
· Michael Lohan had to use his estimable powers of prison yard persuasion to get his fellow inmates to stop jerking off to pictures of his daughter. He's probably not going to be too happy when one of them gets his hands on these.
· The stingray finally apologizes for robbing the world of the Crocodile Hunter.
· Nikki Finke notes that Amy Pascal was supposed to get that fancy promotion a year ago, and that Sumner Redstone is pretty sure he's not going anywhere for another 20 to 30 years.
· Little panda sneeze!
This morning (seems like days ago now, doesn't it?), Vanity Fair editor Jane Sarkin, the brave soul who spent five days deep inside the Cruise compound without the benefit of a Graydon Carter-supplied armed detail, talked to infamously glib Tom tormentor Matt Lauer about her experience in getting the coveted
puff piece story on the Today Show. We'll spare you a transcription of the proceedings, which you can effortlessly watch in the space above these words, but we'll point out that Sarkin claims to have met 15 (!) members of the Holmes clan during her visit, none of whom made even a token attempt to chew though their bonds and escape into the nearby canyons. If nothing else, baby Suri certainly seems to have brought a new sense of peace to the Cruise household.
Vanity Fair cover model Suri Cruise (center) knows that talent borrows, but fashion genius steals, mercilessly—but fabulously—copping the baby toupee (right) look Ella Bleu Travolta (left) rocked so confidently years ago. Little Suri's inborn sense of style will quickly become the envy of all the other children in the Celebrity Centre's Day Care and Infant Auditing facility.
Since we haven't been able to locate our own copy of Vanity Fair's much-anticipated All-Cruise Issue (what kind of a godless wasteland do we live in, where piping-hot copies of VF aren't immediately available?), we're forced to dine only on the meager morsels doled out by the magazine's website. There seems to be some good news in their twenty-two jam-packed pages of Cruise coverage, as childbirth seems to have at least temporarily cured Katie Holmes of the crippling expressive disorder that once limited her vocabulary to simple words communicating positive feelings about her captivity. Teases VanityFair.com:
Upon a cursory first glance at Annie Leibovitz's Vanity Fair photos of the Cruise family, we initially believed the couple's puzzling decision to be photographed with both Asian and Causcasian babies was either rooted in Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' inability to resolve a spat about their individual infant-rental preferences, or, at worst, a regrettable continuity error that should have been corrected somewhere in the editing process. But after viewing this image spanning pages 284 and 285 of the new VF issue, we now think we're starting to understand their creative vision: Suri Cruise is not just Tom and Katie's fake baby, she's the entire world's fake baby. She is their long-delayed gift to us all; regardless of our color, creed, or nationality, there is a Suri for everyone.
While we correctly anticipated the inexplicable appearance of an Asian baby in our mock-up of the Vanity Fair photos of The Family Cruise, we clearly missed the mark on which iconic image of a Beatle Annie Leibovitz would reference in her Suri spread. We apologize for this unfortunate blind-spot in our predictive powers.