Millennials' Bra Choices Attract Attention of the Media

Hamilton Nolan · 07/20/16 08:50AM

Though your modern media is faced with the demands of covering wars, terrorism, a presidential election, and Pokemon, please trust that we, the hardworking American journalists, will never fail to inform you about the latest trends in hot teen bra usage—or lack thereof.

AMC Almost Ruined the Movies 

Marina Galperina · 04/15/16 12:19PM

In an interview with Variety earlier this week, AMC Theatres CEO Adam Aron seemed to submit to the imaginary collective will of “Millennials — who live on social media,” by teasing a pretty bad idea: Allowing people to text during the movie. Many people got very mad and AMC immediately backed down, tweeting this morning: “NO TEXTING AT AMC. Won’t happen. You spoke. We listened.”

Hamilton Nolan · 03/17/16 01:30PM

Arlington, Virginia boasts the highest percentage of rich millennials of any city in the USA. Americans everywhere urge paper scientists to come together to design a sheet of paper long enough to hold the full list of “Reasons Not to Live in Arlington, Virginia.”

Millennials Stay in Shitty Hotels

Hamilton Nolan · 03/08/16 11:25AM

PROBLEM: There are so many millennials today, but they can’t afford to stay in your company’s nice hotels. SOLUTION: Build shittier motels—for millennials.

Hamilton Nolan · 11/17/15 10:55AM

A new PR firm trend report says marketers will soon stop targeting millennials as a single group and “focus on reaching the younger consumers based on their passions.” What does this mean? Nothing, because PR trend reports are 100% bullshit. Stupid sellout millennials.

Chinese Millennials Sound Like the Freaking Worst!

Hamilton Nolan · 08/14/15 09:30AM

Americans know that the newly empowered “millennial” generation is the greatest threat to our nation’s stability. But did you know that China’s millennial generation has the potential to be even worse?

Millennials Won't Get Out There and Feather Their Own Nests

Hamilton Nolan · 07/30/15 08:23AM

“Millennials,” a demographic group defined by a slavish devotion to “keeping it real” by purchasing the correct consumer products, are now old enough to be “out there” in the world, “doing their thing.” Instead, they are living at home.

Churlish Theatergoer Tries to Plug iPhone Into Broadway Set

Jay Hathaway · 07/06/15 02:45PM

Most people attend a Broadway show with the understanding that cellphones aren’t allowed, you should turn them off, and you won’t need them for the next couple of hours. Most, but not all. Not the guy who tried to plug his iPhone into the set (which is located on the actual stage, to which the entire audience is directing its attention) just before a recent performance of Hand to God.

Hamilton Nolan · 05/21/15 04:55PM

“In 2015, 36 percent of parents said in a poll published this week that they expect to support their child for more than two years after graduation... [but] most millennials are reluctant to admit they’re being bankrolled.” Psht. Get that free money while you still can, idiots.