Lawmakers Chug Raw Milk to Celebrate Legalizing Raw Milk, Are Mysteriously Overcome With Stomach Illness

Ashley Feinberg · 03/09/16 01:03PM

Just a few weeks ago, West Virginians passed a law overriding the cruel, barbaric raw milk prohibition that’s plagued the state for years. To mark the occasion, these same dairy-loving lawmakers downed what else but a tall glass of milk—raw and dirty just like god intended. In totally unrelated news, a bunch of West Virginia lawmakers are now suffering from a severe stomach illness.

Hamilton Nolan · 12/21/15 11:30AM

Gasoline is now cheaper than milk. Stop using milk to fill up your cars—use gasoline instead.

Milk to Get Worse

Dayna Evans · 03/05/15 11:50AM

When you think of liquids that you'd like to guzzle, does milk make it into your top ten? How about top fifty? Would you like to strike gallons of milk from grocery store shelves and watch as they bleed out into oblivion? Sure you would. Skrrtt—but wait a sec. What if I told you milk could taste like marshmallow Peeps?

Hope You Like The Taste Of Titanium in That Yogurt

Michelle Dean · 05/29/14 10:10AM

Are you the sort of person who unwinds with a big healthy cup of "Greek" yogurt? Or survives on a three-soy-latte-a-day diet? Well, excellent news: in all cases, this means you are likely ingesting nanoparticles of titanium several times a day.

Hamilton Nolan · 02/24/14 11:36AM

The advertising slogan "Got Milk?" is being retired. The new milk advertising slogan: "Milk Life," which is supposed to "make that connection between milk and protein." Americans love protein, as well as milk-themed pornography, and the milk industry needs to evoke those unique selling propositions. Milk Life™.

We Must Drink More Milk, America

Hamilton Nolan · 12/11/12 11:20AM

Today comes the most shocking and demoralizing report on the evolving taste of the American consumer since we discovered that kids these days are sellouts: Americans, it seems, now consider themselves to be "too good" to drink milk—despite clear evidence that it does a body good. Shall we just shoot mom and poison the apple pie next, to get it all over with?

Spilt Milk Actually Kills Fish and Screws Up the Water

John Cook · 01/25/12 01:55PM

Hahaha! Barack Obama made a funny joke in his State of the Union speech last night about how dumb the EPA was for forcing dairy farmers to have containment plans spelling out what to do if their massive milk facilities spring a leak. Stupid EPA! It's just "spilt milk," amirite? Milk is good for you, and you shouldn't cry when you spill it! Except when you spill it in massive amounts. Then it kills fish and threatens the water supply.

You Will Soon Collapse in a Heap

Hamilton Nolan · 09/16/11 02:30PM

Metal hips! NYC smoking! Laughter medicine! Milk drinking! Teen vaccine! Child poison! Arnica healing! China babies! And smooth, smooth magnetic kiddie weirdos! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while we must be trippin!

This Human Toddler Suckles Directly From a Cow

Maureen O'Connor · 09/14/11 03:21PM

After a storm destroyed their home, Tha Sophat's parents left their native Cambodia to seek work in Thailand. Tha Sophat stayed with his grandfather, a farmer who struggled to keep the boy healthy. One day, the grandfather found little Tha clinging to the udder of a cow. The motherless 1-year-old was suckling.

Lying Media Wants to Put Germs in Your Baby

Hamilton Nolan · 08/25/11 03:38PM

Killer vaccines! Sex-crazed kids! Lower cholesterol! Sickening papayas! Laundry cancer! Healthier milk! Brain scans! Marathon beer! And fatty fat babies who need a little shove in the right direction! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dishonestly!

Chicks on the Rag Ruin Hilarious Milk Campaign

Hamilton Nolan · 07/22/11 11:24AM

The people who sell milk (who ARE those people?) started an edgy and viral marketing campaign last month based on the scientific(?) fact that milk can help ease PMS symptoms in women. The edgy part was that the campaign was aimed at dudes, the ones who suffer most when chicks are on the rag! "Slip your bitch some milk," I think was the underlying message.

Today in Mutating Superbugs: MRSA in Your Milk

Seth Abramovitch · 06/02/11 09:00PM

Unlike a chocolate chip cookie, methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus does not taste better in milk. But a new strain of that superbug, aka MRSA, is exactly what British scientists have discovered in milk samples. This news comes on the same day that a "mutant" strain of E. coli was fingered as the source of a severe food poisoning epidemic currently gripping Europe.

Is There Anything That Milk Cannot Do?

Hamilton Nolan · 04/04/11 04:15PM

Meteorite robbers! Food dyes! Cow people milk! Formaldehyde life! Monarch butterflies! Lion variations! Breast milk oncology! And bitter autism failure! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—creamily!

There’s Radiation In Your Milk

Seth Abramovitch · 03/30/11 11:11PM

Stop! Don't move that Oreo! The Environmental Protection Agency has just announced that trace amount of radioactive iodine have been identified in samples taken from the U.S. milk supply. As vegans everywhere chuckle to themselves smugly, you're probably wondering to yourself—how the hell did that happen?

Breast Milk Ice Cream A Hit in London

Junior Mendez · 02/26/11 11:00AM

It's pure! It's organic! It's free range! Breast Milk Ice Cream is all the rage at The Icecreamists parlor in Covent Garden. The owner seems to be appalled on how anyone can find the initial thought of this disgusting.