Won't You Be Michael Chertoff's Unpaid Intern?

The Cajun Boy · 08/11/09 11:18PM

Surely you've sat around in the midst of your recessionary squalor and thought, "Gee, I'd really love an unpaid internship at the consulting/lobbying firm started by the former head of Homeland Security under President Bush." Well, today's your lucky day!

Sesame Street Absorbed By Department Of Homeland Security

Moe · 09/18/08 10:09AM

The Department of Homeland Security is employing the cast of Sesame Street to indoctrinate America's littlest citizens in the nuances of societal distrust and paranoia. This makes sense because Sesame Street is a Leninist television program produced by the socialist government and dating back to the height of fiscal crisis brought about by the reckless expansion of the welfare state to whose beneficiaries Sesame Street was engineered to placate.And the Department of Homeland Security represents the biggest expansion of government since the New Deal!

Bush asks for $6 billion to fight the terrorists online

Nicholas Carlson · 01/28/08 12:00PM

After 37,258 cyber attacks against government and private networks last year, President Bush and Department of Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff say they need $6 billion to stop attacks on Wall Street and nuclear power plants. (Here's a hint: Don't run a nuclear plant on Microsoft Windows.) The president would also like to install government sensors on private company networks. Natch, Dems don't like the plan, the Wall Street Journal reports. Not enough details, they say. But don't they know that if we give out details, the terrorists will have won?

Zombie Guv Caves To Vampire Over Aliens!

Pareene · 10/31/07 08:50AM

Today's spoooookiest Halloween story is about how a scary troll named Michael Chertoff called up our governor and made him back down from his plan to give driver's licenses to aliens. Because letting Hondurans drive to work will lead to a hundred more 9/11s! The Homeland Security chief bullied Gov. Spitzer into supporting a weird "tiered" license system in which illegal immigrants will have theirs printed with invisible ink on cocktail napkins with a big stamp that says "DO NOT LET ON AIRPLANES" while us citizens get the totally brand-new and fucking terrifying-sounding "Real IDs" that have microchips and spycams and GPS devices in them probably. So Spitzer kinda caved like three different ways here and now everyone is mad at him again! Except Chertoff, who promised to keep that Homeland Security money flowing into Albany.

abalk · 08/27/07 02:30PM

We always thought potential Attorney General nominee Michael Chertoff was a dead ringer for Gollum, from Lord of the Rings, but an alert reader points out an even more likely pairing.

abalk · 08/27/07 10:20AM

"President Bush will likely nominate Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff to replace Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General, senior administration officials told CNN Monday." It's a pretty good move, sure, but if the president is really intent on taking the Constitution, cutting a whole out of it, and fucking it six ways to Sunday, why just settle for partisan incompetence? Why not go for outright criminality? Dude should tap I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Added benefit: Thanks to the ankle bracelet, we'll always know where he is! [CNN]

abalk · 07/11/07 10:25AM

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff has a "gut feeling" that the U.S. is going to suffer a terror attack this summer. Considering that this is the same gut that failed to anticipate a major, well-predicted hurricane, we should probably be a little concerned. [McClatchy-Tribune]

DHS Suddenly Realizes That New York Might Be Some Kind Of Terror Target

abalk2 · 11/29/06 01:30PM

So remember how, at the beginning of the summer, the Department of Homeland Security slashed New York City's terror funding by 40%? Well, it turns out that it was all a big mistake. DHS Head/Gollum Impersonator Michael Chertoff told a grant-writing conference that "We've come to the conclusion that perhaps there was a little too much bean counting and a little less standing back and applying common sense to look at the total picture." The Post reports that, going forward, the DHS will take a more reasonable approach to doling out cash, although that "won't bring back funds that have already been squandered fortifying Omaha and other Corn Belt cow towns." We're not sure what caused the change of heart on the agency's part (maybe it had something to do with the giant electoral walloping delivered to Chertoff's party in the recent elections, but who can say?), but we're thrilled that future monies will be allocated to better protecting our city's security: We've only got so many struggling indie actresses left.