Remember when people aspired to be magazine editors? So archaic. Editing a magazine has become pedestrian. Now one must be a magabrand curator, lording over an entire stable of loosely related titles that make up your own media mini-empire. Why should Anna Wintour settle for editing Vogue when she could become the "editorial director" of a whole slew of Vogue spinoffs? That was good aspirational thinking. Until yesterday. Yesterday, Men's Vogue folded. That was a major embarrassment for Anna Wintour. She was a force in the women's fashion world, but she thought she was destined to build her own fashion magazine empire in her own little corner of Conde Nast. MV was supposed to be a big part of that. Now it's dead, along with Fashion Rocks, the huge advertorial project that Conde Nast put on each fall. Teen Vogue is rumored to be shaky as well! That means fashion advertising is weak overall, and Anna's dream is deferred. If not dead. You know who this should be of concern to? Dave "Abs" Zinczenko! And every other aspiring magabrand mogul. Dave Z made his name editing Men's Health, but now he oversees a bunch of "Health" titles, writes ridiculous "Health" books, and goes on the Today show as an expert all the time. He's not an editor, he's a brand name. Until the advertising collapses! Then he's back to being just another dude checking copy and approving pages and hopefully getting out of the office in time to go to the gym, not so he can look good on TV, but just so he can feel good for himself. Don't worry. Pretty soon you'll be thankful just to have those editing jobs. [Pic via Reuters]
Seriously? Seriously. Fuck, okay: the country sits on the precipice of the Greatest Depression and Barack Obama is slated to share his elliptical regimen for a Men's Health cover story. Yes, the presidential candidate Barack Obama; yes, the magazine edited by the guy who can't spell Barack Obama but that totally doesn't matter because his diet book is becoming a multimillion dollar lifestyle brand, dudes! Um, congrats Obama Campaign! You have officially (through no fault of your own) reached a nadir, no "ha."STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW YOUNG AND VIGOROUS YOU ARE. For one thing, the American public does not be able to read above a second grade level to notice that John McCain is fucking old. For another thing, a lot of them do not know how to read above a second grade level so you are going to have to work extra hard to explain this financial crisis to them. McCain just backed out of your Friday debate; good, no one wants to watch that shit on Friday in times like this anyway. Use this time. Remember all that crap you said about Ronald Reagan being a "transformative" candidate the way he shifted the national debate so irretrievably to the right? You got shit for that, but you were right. Never again would a federal government possess the ideological capital to tax the wealthy or regulate their engines of wealth creation to a societally optimal degree. UNTIL NOW. But no one's making sense right now. No one is capturing this quite clearly. No one is capable of synthesizing this particular historical watershed in way that can build the political capital necessary to reshape American ideology the way you can. And we have to reshape our ideology, in order to get Americans on both sides of the aisle to get on the same page about the gravity of national problems more complex than, like, the Obesity Epidemic. So please, DO IT. Write a speech. Make it good. I know you are tired; I know you are worn out. But so was John McCain when his plane got shot down and he broke those three limbs and he had to swim eleven miles so the North Vietnamese could commence refusing to set his fractures and shit! Don't forget that! Get a good night sleep, and focus! And think about skipping the workout. People always say working out "gives" them energy but actually scientifically that is less true than saying that cutting capital gains taxes and repealing short-selling regulations "helps" the working class.
If you don't feel the spirit of love in the artwork above, your heart is made of stone and your abs are likely flabby. What you see is the actual Valentine's Day present that Dave Zinczenko, editor of Men's Health and the most inspirational American next to Obama, received this year from his girlfriend, the Brit actress Melissa Milne. Eat your heart out, Julia Allison! Ladies, take a moment to soak up the romance of this gift. The painting is a one-of-a-kind special by Kurt Walters, the boyfriend of MH design director George Karabotsos. And the artist finds Dave Z to be a true inspiration: From Kurt Walters' blog:
Passion: it's a word. But for Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko, it's a word! That exclamation point represents passion—Dave's passion for his book, Eat This, Not That! Yesterday we heard the rumor that Dave, Julia Allison's old boyfriend, was looking for a new publicist to get him back on the Today show (he said no, only his magazine is hiring a publicist, not him). And we hinted at the existence of an internal email in which Zinczenko grandiosely compared his ab-centric book to "Barak [sic] Obama." Well now that email, from February, is in hand! "Who had a better last three weeks-Barak Obama, or Eat This, Not That? Crazy, audacious comparison, I know, but stay with me here." Okay, go:
Dave Zinczenko is the self-proclaimed "Barak [sic] Obama of publishing"! That, we hear, was just part of the inspirational email that Men's Health editor and former Julia Allison boyfriend Dave "Abs" Zinczenko sent out to his entire staff recently! He alone can save the magazine, was reportedly the gist of the message. Also, the Zinc is apparently searching for a top-notch publicist to get him back on the Today show—he used to appear regularly, but then his friend, a Today show producer, got fired! First he lost his title as Designated Magazine Industry Hottie, and now this. Perhaps Dave should be a bit more generous passing out the dinners with Men's Health models. Is Zinczenko really this much of a narcissist? He looks like such a nice young man. If you got the last email, or have other recent info to share about the abbed one, email us. [UPDATE: Dave Z tells us that Men's Health is looking for a new PR director, but that he is "Absolutely not looking for personal PR. (And never have)"]
Dave Zinczenko of Men's Health has ceded the American Society of Magazine Editors honors to his Rodale colleague, David Willey, the industry association's incoming president. But that's not all the editor and best-selling author has given up. Willey, editor of Runner's World, appears to have been acclaimed the new hot magazine editor. Women's Wear Daily gushed that, at the ASME's awards event last week, Willey's looks prompted female editors to giggle "like teenagers." (The reception given by mag fags such as Adam Moss was not deemed fit for publication.) But it's confusing: Zinczenko and Willey both work on Rodale fitness titles, they're both good-looking by the low standards of the magazine industry, and they've both attracted the attention of that fame diviner, Star magazine talking head Julia Allison. Here's how to tell the two magazine hotties apart.
New York asked top magazine editors what they thought of the recent Topless Miley Cyrus Scandal. Surprise! Out-of-touch elitist magazine editors did not see the problem with Vanity Fair sexualizing that 15-year-old tween star. "Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko: 'I think it's a tempest in a teapot. I don't think it goes anywhere. It's manufactured hoo-ha.'" And he should know! Next month's Men's Health has a great feature on how to manufacture your own hoo-ha at home in 30 days. [NYM]
If there is one thing white people like, it's mocking themselves. That's why Stuff White People Like is such an internet sensation. As Homer Simpson once said, "It's true. We're so lame." (And when is the Simpsons going to be on Stuff White People Like?) Now the cultural tastemakers at Men's Health are saying "Stuff a Specific Variety of Upper-Middle Class Liberal Arts Graduates Like" is the new Corporate-Casual. Aren't the editors of Men's Health being a little white-centric? (Another thing white people like.) Stuff White People Like just makes fun of white people; Corporate-Casual's misanthropy knows no racial bounds. [via Corporate-Casual]
The Men's Health editor, who blames flabby abs for all male ailments in a best-selling recent book, threatens to display his washboard stomach. Zinczenko was putting aside his media persona, hetero lifestyle coach and aggressive top, to watch the Oscars with the gays at New York magazine's party last night at West Village restaurant, the Spotted Pig. Later in the evening, Zinczenko forced New York's editor, Adam Moss, to strip off his shirt. Hot! (At any rate, for the magazine industry).
Ab-obsessed Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko is busy promoting his new book, which should be called "A List Of Foods For Healthy, Stupid People To Eat." Washington Post pseudotrend specialist Laura Sessions Stepp caught up with Zinc [WP], who, now that he's not busy wrestling with Julia Allison, has plenty of time to fill humanity in on the areas of his expertise: Abs, vanity, and how Maxim sucks!
"Men's Health, the largest men's lifestyle magazine brand, today announced a media partnership with The Knot, the #1 wedding website, to launch the 'Ultimate Proposal Boot Camp' plan. The program will help guide over half a million men planning to 'pop the question' during engagement season, running November through February." Hold up: There exists engagement season now? Ladies, start chewing your creme brulée extra carefully when you're in the romantic candlelit restaurant, cause there might be a ring in there! Related: does this mean that Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko is ready to quit tomcattin' around and resign himself to providing only his Rose McGowan-lookalike new girlfriend, Brit actress Melissa Milne, with subpar oral sex for all of eternity? Ah, romance!
Men's Health acquiesces to the demand from MediaVest—the ad buying firm whose clients include Wal-Mart, Kraft, Coca-Cola, and Procter & Gamble—that "publishers guarantee each issue's circulation instead of averaging multiple issues like usual." Will other titles follow suit? There's a lot of bluster, but, yeah, probably. [AdAge]
- In an interview with the Guardian, Conrad Black calls his fraud trial "bullshit" and announces that he's at war with the U.S. government. The paper also has an excerpt from Black's forthcoming biography of Richard Nixon, which praises the former president's "surpassing dignity." Read into that what you will. [Guardian]
We're gagging our way through this one, but we'll give it a go: Hey, ladies, looking for that special someone? Ready for a man who's not afraid to commit? Want a hardworking fellow who dreams of having a family someday? Well, you just may be in luck! Thanks to "Extra," if "you're single, sexy and looking for love, here's your chance to score a one-of-a-kind man!" That man? Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko, a dynamic go-getter, brimming with self-confidence and ready to—ah, we can't do this. We're sure some lucky girl will enjoy the benefits of Dave's subpar tongular ministrations sometime soon. Why not you?