More Poop Coming to Nation's Pork Supply

Hamilton Nolan · 09/09/13 11:21AM

The US Department of Agriculture is planning to introduce a new program for safety inspections at pork plants across the nation. How is the new program different? It offers more poop in your meat.

Average American's Day Now Just a Parade of Meat Products

Hamilton Nolan · 08/26/13 09:55AM

Once upon a time, Americans sat together at tables thrice daily for "meals," during which nutritious food was consumed. Today, however, market research indicates that we prefer to simply have processed meat products shoveled into our mouths constantly throughout the day. By conveyor belt, if possible.

Cord Jefferson · 04/30/13 01:06PM

Consumer Reports' first-ever thorough lab analysis of raw ground turkey meat and patties discovered that more than half the packages tested positive for fecal bacteria. So much for that "healthy" turkey burger, huh?

No One Can Stop Earth's Insatiable Hunger for Meat and Tissues Now

Adam Weinstein · 04/05/13 10:57AM

The human race: We're reportedly eating more meat than ever, thanks to exploding populations in Brazil and China. You know what else we're nomming on these days? Kleenex, bitches! The recently ousted editor of Vogue Australia has penned a memoir that's intended as a fashion-industry tell-all, but sounds like it's chock full of pointers for aspiring eating-disorder-sufferers. She recently shared her top horror-story-that-sounds-ominously-like-a-dieting-tip with Entertainment Tonight:

Exciting Day for Meat: All The Meats Are Getting New Names

Caity Weaver · 04/04/13 06:32PM

Looks like one more staple of Americana was just added to the list of things we'll have to explain to our space-children a thousand years from now when they ask us "What was April 4, 2013 like?" Pork chops are about to be eliminated forever.

Here's How Much Bacon and Sausage You Can Eat Without Getting Cancer

Maggie Lange · 03/07/13 10:15AM

People who consume lots of processed meat run a greater risk of a premature death and are more likely to develop cancer and heart disease, according to a new study. But don't worry! Scientists still say you can eat meat—just no more than one tiny sausage a day.

Americans Want to Take a Good Look at That Meat

Hamilton Nolan · 02/22/13 09:47AM

Meat! Think it's just about dead animal flesh, hacked and ground and processed with ever less "natural" flavors and preservatives? Well, I guess you know everything, don't you? No you don't. There are still more secrets to be revealed, about America's obsession with nasty meat.

You Should Eat Horse

Cord Jefferson · 02/21/13 06:30PM

This horse meat scandal is sweeping Western Europe and quivering even the stiffest of upper lips in Britain. Some people are concerned that the horse meat in their microwaveable pasta dinners may be tainted with an equine anti-inflammatory called phenylbutazone, which in huge doses can cause health risks. But let's get real: Most people are just grossed out at the thought of eating horse meat instead of cow meat. That's stupid.

People Eating Less of that Nasty Meat

Hamilton Nolan · 08/07/12 09:45AM

Pig evisceration company Tyson Foods saw its profits fall by 61% in the most recent quarter. Why? Humans, humbled by the realization of our own role as merely another in a long line of millions of animal species to briefly stand atop the food chain on this crazy spinning rock over which we ultimately have little control, and struck by the unavoidable ethical conviction that it is wrong to increase the suffering of sentient creatures unnecessarily, are turning away from their brutal chicken, pork, and beef-based diets of the past and embracing a new, plant-based diet of a happier, healthier, and more righteous communal future. From the NYT:

A Simple Guide to Fake Meat

Hamilton Nolan · 03/12/12 11:45AM

Americans are eating less meat—12% less than five years ago. That's good news. Not only for sweet Bessie The Cow, whose mama will not be killed (quite so soon) by a bolt gun shot to the skull, but also for you, the intrepid herbivoracious culinary explorer.

Beef Is Mighty Expensive, That's For Sure

Hamilton Nolan · 01/30/12 02:02PM

Beef: It's What's For Dinner—Provided You Can Afford Its Record Price These Days. That is the slogan that Big Beef doesn't want you hearing. But facts are facts, folks: "Retail beef prices, now near record levels, will likely rise 4% to 5% this year following a 10% increase in 2011."

Meat Magazine Compares the Humane Society to Hitler

Hamilton Nolan · 01/27/12 03:30PM

One rock solid rule of editorial writing is, if you're against something, you always want to find a way to compare it to Hitler. This works because people hate Hitler a lot—and, through the simple principle of transference, they will have an equal amount of hate for whichever thing you compare to Hitler. This is just a basic "trick of the trade" which cannot backfire.

We Can't Hardly Afford Meat No More

Hamilton Nolan · 11/21/11 11:31AM

Some variety of factory-farmed meat product: it's "what's for dinner"—for the wealthy! Americans, who, on the whole, are not wealthy, are eating less meat these days, due to both high prices and the fact that edible meat products are hard to come by while dumpster diving. Big Meat companies are posting their earnings this week, and it's not looking good, according to the WSJ. They're being squeezed on all sides, like a pig in a crate.

The McRib Is Back, You Beasts

Hamilton Nolan · 10/24/11 09:12AM

Once upon a time, McDonald's sold a nasty porkish meat sandwich called the McRib, featuring all of the entrails that fell on the floor of the slaughterhouse pressure-formed into a pleasing "rib" shape. The McRib's variegated bouquet of grease flavor and resemblance to a bloody giant slug corpse naturally made it a "cult favorite," meaning "staple of the American diet." Now it is back. You greasy, greasy bastards.

Survivor's Meat-Hoarding Mouth Challenge Is Disgusting

Maureen O'Connor · 10/13/11 02:53PM

Reality television has folded in on itself so many times, parody versions are barely distinguishable from the real thing. Case in point: The contestants of Survivor with their hands tied behind their backs, tearing at pig carcasses with their mouths. With their gaping maws full of animal flesh, they race to a pair of bins to spit the meat out. They are judged by the amount of meat they hoarded.