Desperate, Flailing McDonald's Fancying Up Their Burgers Across the Pond

Chris Thompson · 11/03/15 11:35PM

Faced with a shifting marketplace, McDonald’s has ventured into the burgeoning Siberian restaurant scene and attempted to rebrand itself as a “modern progressive burger company.” Shockingly, neither of these totally credible business strategies have managed to offset the existential threat posed by rival burger companies, like Five Guys and Shake Shack, who distinguish themselves by selling actual organic food in their restaurants.

McDonald's: Still the Absolute Worst, Now Brainwashing Children

Chris Thompson · 10/13/15 07:08PM

McDonald’s, a protracted practical joke whose punchline is cardiovascular disease, is apparently still sore enough over Super Size Me that they’ve produced a documentary of their own to refute its depiction of their so-called “food.” Only this one—entitled 540 Meals—is being shown as educational material to school children around America. Dammit.

The Hamburglar Grew Up to Be an EDM-Loving Asshole Dad

Dayna Evans · 05/06/15 03:07PM

Think back, if you dare, to when you were young. Can you recall the Hamburglar, a pudgy cartoon criminal who wore a striped shirt and whose only dream was to steal all of your McDonald’s hamburgers? Now? He’s got a 401k and a propensity for dressing like Justin Bieber.

Hamilton Nolan · 04/01/15 03:02PM

After years of protests by its low-paid employees, McDonald's said today it "will pay at least $1 per hour more than the local legal minimum wage for employees at the roughly 1,500 restaurants it owns"—which does not include the 90% of McD's that are franchisee-owned. Still, it's something.

Teen Arrested For Brutal Brooklyn McDonald's Beating 

Aleksander Chan · 03/13/15 07:55AM

Police have arrested 16-year-old Aniah Ferguson in connection with a gruesome fight that broke out in a Brooklyn McDonald's Wednesday. In cell phone video that quickly made its way around Facebook, one teen can be seen being battered by a group as a crowd of bystanders scream.

McDonald's Has "No Budget" to Pay Artists at SXSW Showcase

Kelly Conaboy · 03/05/15 11:10AM

SXSW, Austin's annual sticky-floored music industry sport coat and jeans cocaine marathon, wherein bands willingly exhaust themselves playing garbage sets for little or no money, deriving sustenance from tacos and the hope of "exposure," features a McDonald's showcase this year. And, no doy, they aren't paying.

McDonald's Is America's Most Cynical Corporation

Hamilton Nolan · 02/02/15 11:46AM

McDonald's, the molded plastic king of America's molded plastic cuisine, has decided that money will no longer suffice to purchase its meager offerings; the company now demands that you degrade yourself in order to be fed.

Elegy for a Bad McDonald's CEO

Hamilton Nolan · 01/29/15 12:15PM

Let us all bow our heads and say a prayer for Don Thompson, fired this week as CEO of McDonald's merely because he was bad at his job, and his company is bad, and performing badly.