Mariah Carey Renews Her Vows Again, Is Disney's Newest Princess

Rich Juzwiak · 05/01/13 11:00AM

R&B diva/proud songwriter/walking Lisa Frank sticker book Mariah Carey renews her vows to her husband Nick Cannon every year. I put it that way because it is clear that Mariah is pulling the strings in this relationship, including the one attached to Nick's back that delivers compliments on demand, like he's a custom-made Talking Pee-Wee Herman Doll: "You're #beautiful, just like the title of your upcoming stone groove smash hit wonder with Miguel, Mariah!" "You are the biggest selling female recording artist of all time, Mariah!" "Pee on me!" You know, things of that nature.

Magneto to Marry Professor X

Max Read · 03/19/13 01:27PM

Magnet-powered mutant ultranationalist Magneto will set aside his political convictions for a day and officiate the wedding of his old friend and sometime enemy, assimilationist schoolmaster Professor Charles Xavier. Sort of.There are real human beings involved, but some of us have dreamed of writing this headline for years, so let's just pretend for a second:

Caity Weaver · 11/13/12 12:45PM

Did you know Janeane Garofalo has been married for 20 years? She didn't either. The marriage was dissolved yesterday.

Old People Now Living in Sin Also

Hamilton Nolan · 10/18/12 03:43PM

When we hear about unmarried young couples living together in sin, we're like "Sure, kids these days are living in sin, rejecting god, and fornicating nightly in Lucifer's glory, what else is new?" But now we hear that older couples are also living together in sin. Aren't you older couples old enough to know the teachings of Jesus, about not living in sin?

Don’t Think of Elephants

Alison Umminger · 09/29/12 11:10AM

The sonogram technician, Tina, is short, conservative. Her two children smile from pictures of birthday parties past, blonde and generic, proof that life in all its red, white and blue glory does go on. The younger of the two is missing teeth, mugging for the camera and aiming an ice cream cone directly at the viewer. You are not at the point where you resent other people's children, though you can see how it sometimes happens.

Jesus Christ May Have Had a Wife; Every Thug Needs a Lady

Caity Weaver · 09/19/12 03:45PM

Looks like you really will be the last person you know to be married: a scrap of ancient papyrus that some scholars are calling a new gospel suggests that confirmed bachelor Jesus Christ may, in fact, have had a wife.

Louis Peitzman · 08/05/12 02:03PM

Natalie Portman wed her babydaddy Benjamin Millipied, the choreographer who helped find her inner Black Swan.