Your Guide to America's Super Tuesday National Meltdown

Ashley Feinberg · 03/01/16 10:00PM

Welcome, patriots, to what history will almost certainly see as the night America sealed its gruesome fate. That’s right—it’s Donald Trump Victory Night. And judging by the various primaries and caucuses thus far, it’s sure to be a night we’ll never forget. No matter how hard we try.

When Marco Rubio Is a Super Tuesday Loser, Remember It's All Going According to Plan 

Jordan Sargent · 03/01/16 06:52PM

Marco Rubio is almost certainly not going to come out of Super Tuesday a winner. This isn’t really in dispute, even by the people who work for him, who today explained to their most important funders that the Rubio campaign isn’t planning on winning any Super Tuesday states, or maybe even any states at all, ever.

The Time Has Come for Donald Trump to Destroy the Haters and the Losers

Tom Scocca · 03/01/16 05:18PM

After tonight, unless the Super Tuesday polling is very, very wrong, Donald Trump will have largely finished crushing the rest of the Republican presidential field, and with it the plans of the various organizations and people who are described as making up the Republican party establishment. The Republican establishment will then begin making new plans, plans which involve supporting Donald Trump and trying to help him win the presidency in November.

Marco Rubio Endorsed by Famous Arts-And-Crafts Lover

Melissa Cronin · 02/28/16 04:55PM

David Green, founder and CEO of the arts-and-crafts chain store Hobby Lobby, has turned his brilliant political mind to the presidential campaign, and leveled his mammoth influence onto the head of a Republican who, now, will surely win. That blessed head belongs to none other than Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida.

Big Boy Marco Rubio Is Trying to Be Mean

Ashley Feinberg · 02/26/16 11:53AM

Big boy (who is sick of being treated like a little kid!!) Marco Rubio is mad. So mad, in fact, that he spent a good four minutes of his stump speech this morning trying to rail on Donald Trump. This included—but was not limited to—reading Trump’s misspelled tweets from his phone, effectively calling Trump a spoiled wimp, and insinuating that Trump urinated on himself during last night’s debate. Welcome to hell.

Marco Rubio's Death Rattle Request to Voters: Google It

Brendan O'Connor · 02/25/16 09:28PM

The final Republican debate before so-called next week’s “Super Tuesday” series of primaries got real rowdy real quick, with Marco Rubio attacking Donald Trump over his having hired undocumented immigrants to work on one of his real estate projects in the 1980s.

A Guide To Spinning Your Favorite Republican Candidate's Slaughter At the Hands of Donald Trump

Jordan Sargent · 02/24/16 02:10PM

Last night, your favorite Republican candidate once again got massacred by Donald Trump. It might seem like things are getting pretty dire. It’s going to be hard for you to defend your favorite Republican candidate to your co-workers at the water cooler, where you all discuss politics daily. But you really shouldn’t worry. Honestly. Your favorite Republican candidate is going to beat Donald Trump, there’s no question about it. Just listen to their campaigns!

Marco Rubio Could Give a Shit

Gabrielle Bluestone · 02/23/16 01:25PM

The group behind CPAC—the nation’s favored gathering for white conservatives who want to take a selfie with a GOP candidate—today issued a statement calling Marco Rubio’s decision to skip the annual mutual admiration conference a “rookie move.”