Today's Times House & Home section gets to the bottom of the recent innovations in the bidet industry. Seems the fancy ass-washing toilets that clean your foul and constantly feces-soiled buttocks with a high-pressure burst of "well-aimed aerated water," are undergoing some sort of new acceptance in this country. While the evidence provided, numbers-wise, is a bit thin, the piece does offer a somewhat credible rationale for why this non-trend might actually be occurring.
"Post-college my perspective about sex changed a lot. I traveled the world and had (sex)life changing experiences—unfortunately, none that really helped my cause. First I took off to India for six months. I started working at an English daily newspaper in Bangalore, my first newspaper job. All the other staff members were Indian. There's so much sexual repression in that society that a lot of men didn't dare check out a woman in a sari, but when it came to the 'loose western girl'—me—they appraised my ripeness as conspicuously as they would a melon's. That was intimidating, but about two months into my stay, I started seeing Rafiq, a 31-year-old Muslim man from Mysore, a town about a three-hour bus journey away (looking back, I should have realized a town with that name wouldn't encourage orgasm)." That's from former Voice reporter Mara Altman's Thanks For Coming, which has just sold to Rakesh Satyal at HarperCollins for an amount that's been described to us as "nothing anyone should be getting their panties in a wad over." Well, so that's not what's going to finally make Mara come. But what is? Let's look inside her book proposal!
We just got word that My Cock is is shopping a book proposal, and that the proposed title of the proposed book is Here I Come Again. It's "a memoir by a phallus who has always had an orgasm." The project is a handbook-cum-memoir, and is said to detail Cock's incessant ability to ejaculate. There's some graphic material here (a chapter entitled "Hawaii Five-O" details a shocking five-orgasm afternoon spent in the restroom of New York restaurant Hawaiian Tropic Zone) as well as some embarrassing revelations ("30 Seconds To Mars: The Early Years"). We reached My Cock for comment. "Dude," he wrote, "I'm a cock. I come all the time! In fact, I'm coming right now! I didn't know there was anything remarkable about it until yesterday, but, hell, if that's what the market wants, that's what they're gonna get. We want to get this out quickly, for the holiday season. Of course, the title is provisional: If anyone has a better idea, let me know."
We just got word that former Village Voice gal reporter (and protege of the evil former Voice editor David Blum) Mara Altman is shopping a book proposal, and that the proposed title of the proposed book is Thanks For Coming. It's "a memoir by a woman who has never had an orgasm." The project is out on submission from agent Chris Parris-Lamb, who almost was voted Hottest Straight Man In Book Publishing. In spite of his hotness, and in spite of having spent the last year writing stories about cripple sex and dirty street signs, Mara Altman has never had a freaking orgasm. We have to go lie down. While we do, though, can you help Mara think of a better title?
One of the final ties to the David Blum era at the Village Voice has finally been severed: We understand that the paper is dispensing with the services of Blum protégé Mara Altman, a young writer who has been regularly hated on in these parts. It's a bittersweet moment for us though. It's always sad to see someone lose their job, no matter the circumstance. On the other hand, everyone needs to get canned once or twice, especially those of us who were brought along too soon. It makes you more resilient. (Please remind us of this next week when our contract is not renewed). Thanks for all the memories, Mara. May you live to write better stories. We hope you land on your feet.
How's Mara Altman faring under the new regime at the Voice? Altman, student and prot g of deposed Voice editor David Blum, has somehow survived thus far in the Tony Ortega era. We've taken issue with some of her work in the past, but maybe she's grown and changed under the tutelage of more stable hands. What kind of stuff is she turning out now?