Inexplicable Nets Mascot Terrorizes Mall Patrons

David Matthews · 12/23/09 12:00PM

"Sly" the giant hell hound that is the baffling New Jersey Nets mascot has a mischievous streak. Watch as he repeatedly frightens holiday shoppers by briefly coming alive before going back to his place as guard of the Champs Sports.

Never Lose Hope Broke

Hamilton Nolan · 05/22/09 10:41AM

The Way We Live Now: Broke. Britain's broke. Malls are broke. Even comic strips are broke. Broke, broke, broke.

The Mall is Dead

Hamilton Nolan · 04/16/09 10:40AM

Did you, who lived through the 80s, ever think you'd live to see the day when you couldn't make money with a mall in America, or with a pub in England? That day has come!

Teen Vogue Injects Materialism Directly Into Mall Rat Brains

Hamilton Nolan · 10/30/08 10:41AM

Magazines for teen girls are dying and magazines in general are dying and it's all very scary but Teen Vogue is NOT going to allow that to happen to them, do you hear me? They are NOT. Too many young women depend on them for fashion tips. And if Teen Vogue has to open up a shop in a mall in New motherfucking Jersey and brainwash young impressionable Jersey girls into becoming vapid monsters of conspicuous consumption in order to stay relevant, well, that's just what Teen Vogue is going to do. Bitch.

Inked Is Not A Mall Rat

Hamilton Nolan · 10/28/08 12:34PM

In its story today on the rise of mall-based tattoo parlors like Tattoo Nation, the WSJ said that Tattoo Nation "has bought Inked magazine to be a larger part of the tattoo culture." Inked's Jason Buhrmester emails us to clarify: "We are actually published by Don Hellinger, the owner of Nylon and Nylon Guys. We want nothing to do with Tattoo Nation and begrudge it for wasting valuable space that could be filled with a tasty Orange Julius." The more you know.

Hologram Ushers You Into Best Buy

Hamilton Nolan · 08/28/08 02:49PM

Hm, how to grab shoppers' attention in the cavernous Mall of America, without having to pay some kid $7 an hour to stand there passing out fliers? A hologram man, sent from the future! It's only a matter of time now until Terminator-like robots patrol our nation's food courts, gesturing menacingly with their whirring appendages, their fixed gaze wordlessly urging you to check out the new Sears bathmat sale at the price of your life. For now, though: Best Buy employee holograms. Watch the ghostly salesman give his ever-repeating spiel, below: Click to view
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[via Adrants]

Maggie · 12/11/07 10:45AM

A man was stabbed last night at the Paramus Park Mall. "The bleeding 18-year-old staggered into the mall with a knife in his neck and collapsed," according to reports. This really does clinch it (because last week's mass mall shooting in Nebraska didn't, apparently)—shopping malls are entirely hazardous to public health in every way imaginable. Then again, if you're brave enough to go shopping this month, you're probably helping to defend Christmas from the terrorists. Decisions! [WNBC]

Maybe New York Should Be A Giant Mall

Choire · 06/22/07 12:27PM

Oh, downtown, we love your little kielbasa storefronts and fly-by-night mailbox huts and your crazy houses of coffee. We've worried about the new giant Walgreen's moving into Astor Place where the wine store was—as if the K-Mart wasn't enough, right by the two Starbucks! The chain stores will destroy all our independent businesses. And guess what? Maybe the small businesses deserve it!