I Won a $5,000 Magic: The Gathering Tournament on Shrooms

CML · 05/30/15 02:15PM

I’ve done a lot of things while tripping on mushrooms. I’ve eaten meals, taken walks in the park, even closed my eyes and chilled out to my favorite tunes. But, until a few weeks ago, I’d never won first place—and $5,000—in a Magic: the Gathering tournament.

Labor Day Is a Scam To Keep You Poor and Miserable Forever

Ken Layne · 08/30/13 02:09PM

Labor Day is a complete rip-off. Labor isn't celebrated at all—instead, a single day's break from labor is celebrated. You might think this is a stupid thing to care about, because Labor Day is really just about getting drunk in your yard, again. But that's actually evidence of this very successful con job pulled on you, the American worker (or unemployed person, or discouraged worker, or "grad student"). You probably don't even believe in Labor Day.

Meet The Man with the Magic Beard

Neetzan Zimmerman · 08/21/13 11:08AM

For reasons that remain upsettingly unclear, photojournalist Ben Garvin of the St. Paul Pioneer Press was compelled to shave off his majestic facial hair.

Skechers Now Sending Money to Idiots Who Bought Magic Shoes

Caity Weaver · 07/16/13 04:43PM

A new class of debonair Jay Gatsbys has emerged to instant wealth (and, presumably, inevitable tragedy) this week, as the Federal Trade Commission began parceling out $40M in checks to idiotic lazy boneses all over this great land. Office workers; toll booth operators; big boned teen girls with body types that might be described as "athletic" (but not by an athlete)—all of them (509,175 in total) called up their bosses and said "I'm quitting my job because starting today, I am rich!"

Don't Make Women's Bras 'Disappear' During Public Meetings

Lauri Apple · 09/29/11 05:00AM

Opening public meetings with a magic trick or two can help you engage with your audience and ease them into the seemingly endless boredom-torture to come—but use discretion! Tricks that involve disappearing coins are probably fine. Tricks that involve disappearing women's undergarments are probably... not fine?

A Majority of Icelanders Believe in the Existence of Elves

Seth Abramovitch · 09/19/11 12:28AM

A study conducted by the folklore department of the University of Iceland has found that a majority of inhabitants of the land of Eyjafjallajökull and Björk Guðmundsdóttir believe in the existence of elves. Go figure!

Mexican Catches Real Fairy, Preserves It in Formaldehyde

Seth Abramovitch · 08/18/11 02:52AM

An out-of-work bricklayer living in Guadalajara claims to have found an actual fairy while picking fruit. He then did what anyone lucky enough to stumble upon such a rare and magical creature as this might do: He placed the fairy in a container of formaldehyde, and is charging people to look at it.