Americans Wearing Flip Flops Cower in Fear of Math Terrorists on Planes

Melissa Cronin · 05/07/16 11:23AM

“Wherever there is number, there is beauty,” wrote the Byzantine philospher Proclus Diadochus in the 5th century, unaware how very wrong he was. According to the average plane-riding American, mathematics is now nothing but the Satanical scripture of olive-skinned terrorists.

The Bizarro Bullshit Logic Whole Foods Uses to Profit

Rebecca Vipond Brink · 08/27/15 02:50PM

In October 2011, I was rounding out a year and a half of service in a Whole Foods bakery when I finally stopped to read the text that was on the side of our pie boxes. This was a revelatory moment in my relationship with the company, which wants its employees not just to drink but to steep in their organic non-GMO Kool-Aid. The box stated:

Hamilton Nolan · 12/01/14 12:07PM

Howard University students raised a Pan-African flag on the campus flagpole last week, prompting the school's president to issue a statement saying, "While I openly support freedom of expression on our campus, I do not support unauthorized use of University property or official platforms to transmit these expressions of thought and ideas." Uh... huh.

Adam Weinstein · 02/13/14 02:48PM

It's "a good thing" Aurora movie-theater mass-killer James Holmes "had a 100-round magazine," says a Republican Colorado state senator. "If he had four, five, six 15-round magazines, there's no telling how much damage he could have done until a good guy with a gun showed up."

Hamilton Nolan · 02/05/14 05:16PM

Mohamed El-Erian recently announced he's leaving as CEO of the bond firm PIMCO. Not to worry, investors: the company says "we are a better team at this moment than we were before." Soooo... why was El-Erian getting paid $100 million a year, then?

America's Goofiest College Race War

Hamilton Nolan · 03/03/10 09:31AM

Are college kids in San Diego particularly racist, or just, perhaps, particularly dumb? Monday, a "KKK-style hood" was found "atop a Dr. Seuss statue" on campus, naturally. Allow us to briefly recap sunny UCSD's recent reign of racial hullabaloo:

Obama Stars in Pro-Life Ad

Hamilton Nolan · 01/23/09 10:17AM

You have to admit, anti-abortionists have a canny grasp of the "news cycle." What if that baby you decided to abort grew up to be... Barack Obama? Then he'd be pro-choice. But whatever. Advertisement!

Is Paige Davis The Victim Of The Strike or Her Own Suck?

JonLiu · 11/16/07 09:50AM

Vivacious redhead Paige Davis has agreed to return as host of a new HD version of the once-geisty TLC home-swap design show Trading Spaces. What does this all mean? Well, for one thing, that the Broadway dreams of one Paige Davis, who's played Roxie in the stage version of Chicago —she's a thespian on the level of Lisa Rinna and Ashlee Simpson!— are dashed. Tail between legs, she slinks back...but wait! Perhaps Paige Davis is merely the Terry Malloy of the troubled labor times! She does kinda look like a young Brando.