Fruits, Ranked

Hamilton Nolan · 12/10/12 02:10PM

Ever since we started reporting on important fruit issues, a lot of desperate biters out there are talking about fruit. Look, let's put this whole fruit discussion to rest so that we can get back to more important matters. Here is the definitive ranking of fruits.

Celebrities' Embarrassing Parents: A Compendium

Caity Weaver · 07/06/12 04:05PM

On Tuesday Brad Pitt's hometown paper published a hyper conservative letter-to-the-editor from his mom that stopped just short of identifying Barack Hussein Obama as a Muslim terrorist. Now his close personal friends (everyone on the Internet) cannot stop gossiping about it.

Who Are the Most Easily Offended People?

Hamilton Nolan · 05/03/12 01:53PM

The internet is a rough and tumble place. To survive here, you must be rough and tough, steady under fire, thick-skinned. That's why most bloggers are known to be dashing but intimidating "tough guy" types, menacing to dudes but irresistible to women. Sadly, not everyone is cut out for this harsh environment.

Jessica Simpson Would Like You to Know She's Pregnant, Horny, and Full of Amniotic Fluid

Leah Beckmann · 03/20/12 10:57AM

Jessica Simpson just loves being pregnant. She loves reveling in her womanly figure, predicting her future daughter's fashion sense, celebrating with big belly photo shoots, and indulging in those whacky cravings. But the thing that Jessica Simpson seems to love most of all? Discussing how being pregnant has turned her into a "fire hydrant" fart monster.

12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy

Leah Beckmann · 03/06/12 10:00AM

Dusty cavern of the perpetually knitting and crafting, Etsy is full of quirky potholders, dream catchers, homemade cat jewelery, and dick stuff. Yeah, dick stuff. Surprisingly (not that surprisingly), Etsy peddles a number of crocheted, Mod Podged, and beaded phallic goods.

All 47 Sports and Fitness Activities, Ranked

Hamilton Nolan · 02/08/12 04:10PM

In this world, there are many ways to exercise. Some are actual sports; others are specific types of exercise; all will make you sweat, somehow. We have ranked them in scientific order, based on the following criteria: Physical Difficulty; Amount That You Would Be Humiliated If You Tried to Just Waltz In and Do Them Like Some Big Shot Because You Thought They Would Be Easy; and Overall Hardcoreness. Fake bullshit sports are not included. All rankings are final.

All the Year-End Listicles We Didn't Get Around to Writing in 2011

Maureen O'Connor · 12/30/11 01:45PM

The year-end listicle is a stressful affair. It's important: You are defining a moment in history. It's hard: You have to remember stuff that happened twelve whole months ago, which is multiple millennia in internet years. Finally, it has a strict deadline: If you procrastinate, then the work you've done will be rendered completely irrelevant at the stroke of midnight on January 1st.