Sometimes you’re out, wandering around a parking lot in a cute pink jacket, seemingly without a care in the world, when a dark notion suddenly falls upon you: “I have no one to blame for this but myself.” Alternatively, sometimes you’re a toddler noticing your shadow for the first time.
Look at this dumb turtle chasing after a dog like he's got a real shot at catching up; he'll never catch up. And yet even so, onward he plods, ne'er to abandon his reptilian hope—to be sure, he's a real idiot, but one deserving of some respect.
Everyone has a friend—a terrifying, beautiful friend—who wields humor the way ranchers wield cattle prods; who jokes, and teases, and Just kidding!s her underlings ("BFFs!") toward the cliff-edge of nervous breakdown; whose sadism is impossible to fight against because it's just a joke, why can't you take a joke? Sometimes, that friend gets married.
There once was a ripped, huge-dicked, extremely attentive, highly organized young man from Australia who was frightfully eager to find the woman of his dreams (within a 50 km radius of his home). To that end, he drafted a 99 page guide (to himself, his life, his future wife; his quirks, his tics, his eleven-inch dick; his orgasms, his bed, his "Fat Cock Head") and emailed it to potential girlfriends in advance of their first date.
Delta Gamma is once again a safe space for boners. One week after a foul-mouthed crash course in social etiquette put the sorority on the GODDAMN FUCKING map, Delta Gamma brass have decided that the now infamous University of Maryland email was HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THAT CHAPTER. They've just accepted the resignation of its author.
If you were lolling around the internet during the holidays, many of you probably read Megadeth lead singer Dave Mustaine's bitchy evisceration of suit-merchant Men's Warehouse via his personal Facebook page after they screwed up a gift certificate purchase he made, putting a damper on his gift-giving spirit. The songwriter of neck-snapping ditties like "Wake Up Dead, " "Peace Sells," and, my personal favorite, "Holy Wars...The Punishment Due" showcases his consumer advocacy letter-writing ability of demon-fisted prose like "For almost 9 days now I have been waiting for delivery of this gift certificate, and I wouldn't say anything because it IS the holidays, but these salesmen promised that they would GUARANTEE a two-day delivery of the certificate..." The word guarantee is one Mustaine takes seriously so the lack of follow-through on this promise by Men's Warehouse has aggrieved him so much that he implored all Megadeth fans ("Droogies") to purchase off-the-rack, somewhat-reasonably priced men's apparel elsewhere because Men's Warehouse starts trouble, spreads pain, and has piss and venom in its veins. Yes, holiday bustle aside, they are liars, he says.
When NYU sophomore Max Wiseltier received an email from NYU's Bursar office last night about a new, electronic tuition form, he wasn't sure what to do so, naturally, he forwarded the email to his mom. "do you want me to do this?" was his exact response. There was one small problem, though; instead of hitting "Fwd" he clicked "Reply all," accidentally sending the message to all 39,979 NYU students on the list.
Yesterday, Gawker received an impassioned email from a Mt. Lebanon (Pa.) High student concerning the school's proposed "grinding" ban. (If you are not sure what "grinding" is, you'll find out in detail shortly.) The letter was so convincing that we asked to republish it in full, and the student complied, so long as they remain anonymous, lest the school administration attempt to suppress Mt. Lebanon's one true Grinder Crusader. We salute the student's important cause.
Earlier this week, Gawker received a series of emails forwarded from an employee of a well-known New York media nonprofit. For the woman who wrote them, they are a record of the Universe's single-minded objective to deprive her of her kombucha. For the people who read them, they are a six-month documentation of one woman's descent into madness.
David Siegel is the founder and CEO of Westgate Resorts, a huge national timeshare company and one of the largest resort developers in the world. In 2007 he was a billionaire, although he may be only a hundred-millionaire now. He and his wife Jackie were the subjects of the recent documentary "The Queen of Versailles," about their ongoing quest to build the largest house in America, a 90,000 square foot monument to excess. And yesterday, David Siegel sent an email to all of his thousands of employees, in which he—in a veiled way—insinuated that they would be fired of Barack Obama is reelected.