Study: It's Your Fault Your Kids Are Dumb

Hamilton Nolan · 07/14/14 08:30AM

Has your child had trouble at school? Have you tried tutoring, extra homework time, and everything else you can think of, with little improvement? Relax. According to the latest research, your kid's fate is already sealed.

All Academic Fields of Study, Ranked by Realness

Hamilton Nolan · 04/06/12 01:58PM

The whole field of philosophy is currently engaged in a self-referential argument over whether or not it is a "science," entirely because philosophers believe that being a "science" would get them more respect. Much of academia suffers from the same competitive affliction. Until now.

Dude, Your Wife Was Not Raped By an 'Invisible Man'

Max Read · 09/28/11 06:31PM

Hello, unidentified Malaysian dude who lives in Bintulu, Sarawak! We read with interest the news that you had contacted police, hoping they'd arrest the "invisible man" who was—according to a medium—"us[ing] black magic to take away [your] wife's 'soul' and rape her."

Everybody in College Gets Good Grades Now

Hamilton Nolan · 07/14/11 03:59PM

In my day, college grades were evenly distributed on a "curve," which was determined by...well who knows, we were all so blunted back then. The point is, you can now safely accuse kids these days of getting everything for free.

America's Greatest University Demonstrates 'Fucksaw' For Captivated Students

Hamilton Nolan · 03/02/11 01:29PM

Northwestern University simply cannot stop being awesome. From getting drunk and hollering about blowjobs to throwing blackface Halloween parties to producing a little rapper by the name of Chet Haze, Northwestern University never does anything less than the most awesome thing to do in any given situation. That's why regular schools have "Human Sexuality" classes, but Northwestern University has HOT LIVE FUCKSAW demonstrations:

Private School Parents Have Their Own Problems to Worry About

Hamilton Nolan · 02/15/11 01:21PM

In Texas, school districts are so low on money that they're selling ads on school buses, thanks to the "largest cuts to public education since World War II." In New York, many school districts are staring down 14% budget cuts, which educators fear will "widen the funding gap between wealthier and poorer school districts." Federal student aid programs are in for multibillion-dollar cuts of their own. And among the parents of children in Manhattan's most exclusive private elementary schools, a separate, but equally pressing, worry: is Emma beating her peers, enough?

Turns Out Comic Sans Is Good for Something

Max Read · 01/14/11 01:45AM

Poor Comic Sans! The favorite font of administrative assistants and H.R. representatives everywhere is deeply hated by so-called "design nerds." But guess what, design nerds? Poor unpopular Comic Sans might actually have a beneficial use. Because it's so horrifically ugly.

Chinese Kids Officially Smarter Than Us

Hamilton Nolan · 12/07/10 03:07PM

The results are in: on a respected international standardized test, students in Shanghai beat the tar out of everyone in science, reading and math. The U.S. finished 23rd, 17th, and 32nd, respectively. Yea, well...Yao Ming is slow. [NYT]

Today's Moms Want TV to Raise Their Children for Them

Richard Lawson · 11/04/10 03:37PM

The president of Disney Channels Worldwide, the fearsomely named Carolina Lightcap, recently announced that the new Disney Junior channel, for kids ages 2-7, won't focus so much on academic education as social skills and behavior lessons. That's what moms want.

This Is the Worst First Day of School Since Last Year

Hamilton Nolan · 09/08/10 03:15PM

Happy first day of school! What do we have to complain about? All types of things! The schedule is stupid. The prices of school supplies are out of control. The bus is late. And hey, stop shooting us!

Schools Neglecting the Most Important Thing: Their Image

Hamilton Nolan · 08/16/10 10:56AM

What's the problem with schools these days? Well, besides the racial performance gap, the out-of-control employees, and the city government takeovers, they just can't keep their most important stakeholders (the media) happy.

So Now It's the School's Fault That You're a Failure?

Hamilton Nolan · 08/10/10 11:01AM

Since time immemorial, the job of a high school has been to see to it that kids get their god damn diploma and never come back. Now, someone wants to keep track of how those kids do later? Why?

Tiny Godless Organisms Practice Abominable 'Cloning'

Hamilton Nolan · 06/15/10 11:34AM

Gender bias! Alien data! Virus art! Hard relaxing! Radical statins! Space water! And godless rotifers reproducing outside of the bounds of holy matrimony! It's your fact-based Science Watch, where we watch science—whether Jesus likes it or not!