Is the CIA secretly training our own dogs to spy on us? Are aliens brainwashing Man's best friend? Or is it just a sound engineer with a dog whistle and a sense of humor?
Noting that two cast members from TV's highest-rated procedurals—CSI's Gary Dourdan and Law & Order: SVU's Diane Neal—would be leaving their series at the end of their contracts, TVGuide.com's Michael Ausiello has reexamined the evidence, and concludes that these seemingly friendly departures were more likely the result of some less-than-amicable shitcannings:
We don't know about you, but it sure feels like we hear the Law & Order thump-thump scene-setting music at least forty times a day as it is. Seriously, the last thing we need is the ominous tone emanating from our cell phones. But the capitalistic video game creators at Limelife have made Law & Order: Celebrity Betrayal for us anyway. According to LimeLife head Kristen McDonell, the game "will cast users as part of the detective squad solving the 'crime' and will appeal to women's 'puzzle solving' propensity." Yes, because nothing nails that hard-to-reach women's demo more than the combination of the phrases "celebrities" and "betrayal." We can't wait for the small-screen version to debut on Lifetime; we hear Dick Wolf is in the market for his 18th vacation home. [Collider]
A mixed bag of actors from the Law & Order franchise give you a little taste of just what you'll be spending your early afternoons watching if they don't get their striking writers back soon. Though really, it's not that they've got no writers, it's just that Dick Wolf has used up every single plotline known to man. The clip, after the jump.
· Director Steve Miner is given the opportunity to exploit Jessica Simpson's prodigious acting talent in Major Movie Star, the story of an amazingly Jessica Simpson-like Hollywood bimbo who joins the Marines to prove that she can play the part of someone in the military. [Variety]
· Yesterday's overall-deal-granting insanity bleeds into today, as even the No.2 guy on Bones is getting seven figures for his writing and development services over the next two years. Gushed 20th Century Fox TV president Dana Walden as she stuffed handfuls of high-denomination currency into burlap bags emblazoned with cartoonish dollar signs, "He can write comedy, drama, character pieces, procedurals ... he can do it all!" [THR]
· Broadway casting shocker! Nathan Lane to star in a
musical comedy. [Variety]
· Puzzlingly, the cast of Law & Order: Criminal Intent is grumbling about not being offered raises for next season. Don't these delusional ingrates know how easily they can be replaced by the cheaper talent that foams Dick Wolf's cappuccinos each morning? [THR]
· Little-publicized ensemble drama Ocean's 13 hopes to prove that labors of love can be profitable at the box office. [Variety]
· The possible cancellation of the Law & Order "mothership" will just leave more room on NBC's schedule for promising spin-offs, like L&O: TV Production Unit. (Note: Some please send Gabrielle Carteris some money, right away.)
· Good news, peeps! The new Spidey-flick is like, totally off the hizzook! Sweetness!
· McConaughey in an Unsolved Mysteries reenactment? Yeah, that's something we might be interested in.
· Hey, if some of those firefighters Tom Cruise is trying to help just happen to become Scientologists after their sauna-and-vitamins quality time, well, whoopsies! He wasn't proselytizing! Swear!
· Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington considerately spares the TV Academy the trouble of ignoring him come Emmy nomination time by withdrawing his name from awards consideration. His time in gayhab obviously taught him an important lesson about transparent expressions of publicist-encouraged humility. [Variety]
· More Speed Racer casting news we can't really get excited about: Matthew Fox is close to signing on to join the project as nemesis Racer X. [THR ]
· The lineup for the Cannes Film Festival is jam-packed with U.S. movies both in competition (with entries by Tarantino, David Fincher, and the Coen Brothers) and on the premiere schedule (Ocean's 13), giving the French ample opportunity to alternately boo American cultural imperialism and offer standing ovations inspired by the sight of George Clooney in a tuxedo. [Variety]
· Hitch and I Now Pronounce You Fake Gay Husbands, Now Punch Out That Guy Before Someone Thinks You're Really A Homo star Kevin James embraces his typecasting as a lovable schlub, entering negotiations to play an "average guy" who inherits some land that turns out to be its own country in One Nation Under Bob. [THR]
· Rumors are circulating that NBC might not renew the original Law & Order unless creator Dick Wolf figures out a way to fire his entire cast and produce each episode on a budget of $100 or less. [Variety]
FoxNews.com's Roger Friedman reports that one of the properties in Dick Wolf's primetime kingdom, Law & Order: Criminal Intent (is that the one with Lilith from Cheers? We lost track eight spinoffs ago.) will once again plunder the tabloids—this time, one of the greatest stories of all—for their latest foray into the world of
lazily conceived gripping, ripped-from-the-headlines procedural drama: