Tommy Hilfiger turns 58 today. Star Jones is 47. Condé Nast CEO Chuck Townsend is 65. Lara Flynn Boyle is turning 39. Lake Bell is 30. Actress Alyson Hannigan is 35. Filmmaker Curtis Hanson is turning 64. Fashion designer Bob Mackie is 69. Comedian Louie Anderson is turning 56. And Peyton Manning, the Super Bowl MVP and older brother of Eli, turns 33 today.
You gotta admit, when it comes to ladies, David Spade has an amazing track record. He’s nailed Heather Locklear, Lara Flynn Boyle, Krista Allen, Julie Bowen, Teri Hatcher, Gena Lee Nolin, Kristy Swanson, and countless Playboy playmates, including one he recently impregnated. But is he really the Don Juan of our time? J.R. Moehringer from Los Angeles Magazine seems to think so, and he makes a compelling case in a nearly 8-page exposé. Consider the evidence: Spade is no Clooney in the looks department, yet he pulls more tail than George. What’s more, he’s been doing so since he was a teenager. “He was voted Most Artistic,” Moehringer writes, “but the entire student body at Saguaro High School knew he was the campus Casanova, a walking stick of catnip for every cheerleader and homecoming queen.”Spade is a funny dude, but that can’t be it. Surely he must have a secret—something that draws the skirts to him like men’s bathrooms draw George Michael. Thankfully, Moehringer wasn’t afraid to do a little digging, and through exhaustive interviews with Spade and various ladies he’s flirted with, he may have actually hit upon the reason for all the chick-magnet-madness. Spade’s platonic friend Courtney Cox Arquette explains it thusly: “He has good teeth.” But the most illuminating reason comes from David himself. When asked what advice he’d give a single guy, Spade says:
What did we learn about our favorite celebrities this week? Glad you asked!
· Katie Holmes: She got sheared (next up, tannis root?) and, when it comes to meals, she's half a person.
· George Clooney: He's a late night charmer (possibly in more ways than one) but fussy when it comes to being credited.
· Jessica Simpson: She was hospitalized for having too much sex (allegedly).
· David Letterman: Doesn't mind giving audiences his sloppy seconds.
· Harvey Levin: Was an idealistic young rabble rouser and a foul-mouthed C-Word dropper.
· Dan Waters: He proved the old maxim that writers are best heard and not seen.
· Lara Flynn Boyle: Her jowls are melting (and not in a good way).
· Jennifer Aniston: She taught us that the best way to assure that your roles don't begin drying up is to form your own production company. Also, is possibly schtupping Orlando Bloom.
· Diablo Cody: Isn't just a screenwriter, she's also a songwriter!
· Ben Stiller: Is vain enough to dye his hair.
· Brangelina: Had difficulty containing the hostilities between their multicultural brood.
· The Real World Cast: They're all older but by no means wiser.
· Katherine Heigl: Wants a baby whether or not her "rocker" hubby Joshua is ready, thinks gay men want her. Also, not opposed to wearing hideous jackets in public.
After seeing these photos of Lara Flynn Boyle signing autographs at Mr. Chow last night, we're honestly wondering whether or not those fans even knew whose John Hancock they were requesting. Boyle, mostly remembered either for her crazy skin-and-bones years while dating Jack Nicholson or that flouncy ballerina dress she wore to the 2003 Oscars, is now under suspicion by the weeklies of going under one (or seven) wild surgery procedures. And while our before-and-after photos after the jump make their assertion difficult to protest, we're also wondering if this new look has anything to do with a little film she just completed called Life Is Hot In Cracktown.
· Paul Walker, unwittingly predicting what critics will be doing once Into the Blue premieres on Friday, begs his friends to urinate on him. Golden shower anecdotes are so C-list.
· The Fug Girls have invaded the Wall Street Journal...but where are your woodcuts, you hilarious bitches?
· To commemorate Anna Nicole upcoming, historic Supreme Court case, the WOW Report digs out some old footage of Smith's white trash cousin vomiting. Good times, y'all.
· Cinemocracy discovers that there is virtually no way to review Commander in Chief without invoking The West Wing.
· Lara Flynn Boyle, unexpected truth-teller: "It's not a craft, we're not slicing DNA. It's a great gig. We're all a bunch of beautiful, self-indulgent people."
Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in and authored by our binocular-clutching readers; send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put “sighting” or “PrivacyWatch” in the subject line) and let the world know that Alec Baldwin will give you his autograph, even if you look like a stripper.
The always-reliable British tabloids are reporting that a nude, pill-popping Lara Flynn Boyle recently terrorized fellow passengers on a flight from L.A. to London, roaming the first-class cabin halfway through the trip, waking a man, and trying to get into bed with him as she told him to prepare for landing. As much as we'd love to believe these tales of airborne, drug-addled celebrity antics, there's usually a logical explanation. In this case, the accosted man probably fell asleep watching Attack of the Undead, Anorexic, Former Jack Nicholson Bangers and mistook his inevitable nightmares for a midair encounter with Boyle.
Simon Doonan has crowned Lara Flynn Boyle "the official Internet patron saint of anus-bleaching." She has entered the Anus-Bleaching Hall of Fame, one might say. Doonan skeptically examines anus-bleaching"a grotesque and barbaric cosmetic procedure"imported from Hollywood, of course. A professional's opinion? Dermatologist Pat Wexler: "These people need a hobby."
Ignore the tuchus ruckus, spring for some face cream [Observer]